What Was Your First Porn Experience?

Mine was "Masseusse II," the story of "two professional erotic masseuses try[ing] to survive in a world where prostitution is regarded a sin."

Mar 16, 2012 at 11:24am | Leave a comment

The other night, my boyfriend I were watching "Eastbound and Down" (which, by the way, has gotten delightfully surreal this season), when all of a sudden something amazing happened.

No, it wasn't Ivan Dochenko's haircut, although that may be the greatest subtle visual gag since Catherine O' Hara's bangs in "Waiting for Guffman." No, it was a blast from my past in the form of two characters watching a much-beloved porno from my youth, Masseusse II.

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I am not sure where I got the battered VHS tape (probably from one of my Internet boyfriends), and I don't know what happened in Massusse I, but I was somehow able to follow the plot of II, which is described on IMDB as the story of "Two professional erotic masseuses try[ing] to survive in a world where prostitution is regarded a sin." As it was the only pornographic video I had access to aside from the shirtless pelvic-thrusting of the cast of Disney's "Newsies," I became intimately aquainted with its contents.

In fact, when a snippet of it was all of a sudden playing on my television, I felt an instant of joyous yet slightly disbelieving recognition, like seeing an old high-school friend you didn't know was your neighbor or something.

"That's...my porno!" I stammered confusingly to my boyfriend, who has basically learned to ignore me a lot of the time.  I also think that technically, the "o" dropped off the end of porn at least a decade ago, but I was feeling nostalgic.

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I mean, this movie was a huge part of my formative years! I have masturbated countless times to images of those very actors sucking and screwing each other for the entertainment of my confused adolecent pleasure. The plot has swathed a wide neural path through my erotic life. I could probably recite the dialogue, at least of that scene with Randy West where he's kind of mean to the masseusse in a sexy way. Meow.

The scene on Eastbound was not one of my favorites, but I still knew it well enough to predict the action to my unimpressed boyfriend. "She's going to make him suck on the dildo," I said, followed by, "She's going to do him from behind with it."

"It's really weird that you know that," he responded.

Perhaps, mi amor, perhaps.

But that film will always hold a special place in my "heart," and cast members Asia Carrera (MENSA member, true story), Ashleyn Gere, Randy West and Steven St. Croix will always feel like friendly characters from a children book whose genitals I've seen.

I feel similarly about the weird British porno mags I frequently visited in my Dad's closet, that left me confused about what "boinking" was for years. I bet I could pick some of those bitches out of a line-up even today. I'm looking at you, lady who was for some reason squeezing ketchup and mustard onto another lady.

Considering kids these days can easily access tons of pornographic material online, we may be of the last generation of "my first porno" stories. Let us lovingly perserve them here, in the great oral history tradition of endangered cultures through time.