If you're anything like me, you're mortified by your weak, puny vagina. And who can blame you? Spin classes and horse stances may help you get a man, but where will your fitness Gods be when he's horrified to enter your slack, gaping vagina for the first time?
Unlike swimsuit season, vagina season is NEVER OVER.
And it's not just about sex -- you never know when you may suddenly have to open a wine bottle or lift a car off a baby and have nothing but your vagina on hand. Can't you just see yourself grasping, grasping, getting no traction from your neglected pelvic floor, as onlookers look on in horror? YOUR BABY IS UNDER A CAR, GODAMNIT! If only you'd done your fucking Kegels, you baby-killing lazeabout!
In the past decade, Kegels have joined the women's mag canon as one of the many basic requirements for membership to the human lady club. I guess I'm a little dubious about them as a sex aid, first because some weird man doctor invented them in 1948 and I always think old-timey man doctors probably were just making up reasons to look at vaginas. From what I understand, they're really meant to treat extreme vagina situations like prolapse and incontinence and to prepare pregnant women for labor.
The second reasons I am a Kegel truther is this. Stop where you are and take a look at your vagina. No, don't go to the bathroom, there's no time! Look at it right now, in full view of whoever may be around. OK, see it?
It's just fine.
Your vagina is fine. It's pretty much the one thing I know to be true about you, a total stranger. I know your vagina is fine because vaginas just are fine, as they are -- big, small, hairy, bare, bony or resembling a chubby little puffer fish like mine. And despite all the peripheral Kegel talk about strengthening orgasms and whatnot, a lot of the hype surrounding them seems to come down getting a tighter vagina.
And I just don't think you need one. How freaking tight is it supposed to be, anyway? Should a penis or a finger start to turn blue in there? Should your partner attempt to pull out and start to panic as if he's trapped inside one of those Chinese finger cuff toys? Since when has "tight" ever been a positive descriptor for something you're going to put a part of your body inside?
And how creepy is it that all those articles always tell you to Kegel at your desk? How freaked out would your co-workers be if they knew you were sitting there quietly squeezing your vagina muscles together while you filled out your Excel spreadsheets or whatever you do?
If you're really concerned about the gripping power of your vagina, may I suggest just closing your legs together during intercourse? If that doesn't work, maybe the problem is that his dick is too small, not that your vagina is some kind of cavernous wind tunnel.
Then I forgot about them for a few months before receiving the Magic Banana kegel exerciser and G-spot massager, which is a not-really-that-banana-like, uh...thing.... that goes inside your vagina to "strengthen your inner magical muscles." It's a loop! Loop is the word I was looking for.
I stuck that one in there first, without using lube, which in retrospect was a mistake, but I muscled right through anyway, encouraged by these words from the press materials:
"The sensations felt when first using the Magic Banana will be unlike any you have previously experienced. It may take some time to acclimate, so be patient with yourself."
(By the way, we're leaving for vacation in a few hours, so my boyfriend is putzing around packing and stuff and I just want him to LEAVE so that I can put stuff in my vagina uscrutinized.)
I went and got some of my fave French Lavender lube that makes my vagina smell like a fancy spa, before slipping in the smallest of the Ami balls. (I took the banana out first.)
I don't know how effective my Kegeling was, but both these products felt gooooood pressing against my G-spot. In fact, I ended up masturbating (with aplomb!) with the Ami ball in and having a super awesome orgasm. So maybe that's the secret point of it all?
Plus, when you pull them out they go like this: Thhhhhhhhwup. Which is funny.
So should I Kegel again? I probably won't. But how funny would a little vagina gym be, with vaginas running on mini-treadmills and jumping rope?
@msemilymccombs is giving that p@#&y a workout on Twitter.