I Don’t Care If You Haven’t Come Yet

Sex isn’t always “fair” to either party, and the idea that it should be or ever even is is built on an idealistic and unrealistic premise.
Publish date:
February 17, 2015
orgasm, Sex,, Bedroom Inequality

Recently, I had sex with someone and about 10 minutes into our romp, I had a great orgasm. The guy I was sexing, though, didn’t seem to notice and continued to thrust himself in and out of me, until I finally motioned for him to stop. I calmly explained to him that I had just orgasmed.

“Ahh . . . okay,” he responded.

I could tell he was upset. We laid next to one another, awkwardly, for a few moments.

“Is there something wrong?” I finally asked.

“Ummm, don’t you think that’s a bit selfish?” he questioned.

“What?” I asked.

“Well, I didn’t come yet,” he explained.

“And . . . ?” I responded.

It was clear that he thought that because he had not yet climaxed, it was my duty to continue having sex with him until he did, even though I was not psychologically or physiologically interested in doing so. In reverse gender terms, he wanted me to fuck him with a limp dick.

I use the term “limp dick” because it perfectly describes how I physiologically feel after an orgasm. Plus, there is no “feminine” equivalent to the phrase, which perfectly demonstrates the reason why this dude felt entitled to “finish” by continuing to have sex with me, even after I was already, well, finished myself. I asked a few of my girlfriends if they had ever had a similar experience with a partner, and they all nodded and agreed. It seems that many men seem to believe that women are responsible for their orgasm and sexual satisfaction during sexual intercourse. Well, I have news for you guys: women orgasm, too! And, like men, sometimes women need a moment to fully enjoy their climax and regain interest in going again.

That moment is called “the refractory period.” It is induced by the release of oxytocin, prolactin, and endorphins after orgasm. Yes, dudes, even women get “limp dick.”

Now, don’t get me wrong, all women do not respond to orgasm in the same way. However, neither do men. Some men are immediately ready to go after the first round. Others roll over and sleep. It’s safe to say, however, that the vast majority of men are not “ready to go” right after an orgasm. So why the heck do they expect that a woman should be?

I think it all boils down to a lack of awareness about female anatomy and/or female sexuality. It also has a lot to do with male privilege, dominance, and a general lack of fucks to give. Society reinforces the idea that sex ends when a man decides or is “finished” himself — and that is just absolute bullshit.

Granted, women may not have an actual penis that no longer functions during the “refractory period,” but mentally and physically, it can be pretty much the same damn thing. Reality is not a porno where women only exist to please men or await a mouth full of jizz with huge eyes and a hungry smile. Women have needs as well, and one of those needs may very well be a damn period of rest to enjoy a good orgasm.

Fulfilling that need is far less selfish than the expectation that a woman should always be available and ready to please a man until he is completely sexually satisfied, regardless of her own desires. Ladies, how many times have you had sex with a man and had him finish before you, pull out and roll over, paying no mind to your orgasm or lack thereof? . . . Exactly.

So nope, that “woe is me, I didn’t come yet” crap should not work on anyone. Just as a woman can patiently wait for her male partner to regain interest in another round and even subtly assist that process with mild stimulation and affection, so can a man who wants to enjoy a healthy sexual interaction with his female partner. Sex isn’t always “fair” to either party and the idea that it should be or ever even is is built on an idealistic and unrealistic premise. It’s time that we shake these notions, enjoy the moment . . . and then go again.

Reprinted with permission from the Frisky. Want more? Check out these related stories:

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