I Can't Stop Hate-Masturbating to Paul Ryan

And I really, really, really hate him, you guys.

Aug 14, 2012 at 11:00am | Leave a comment

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Hey girl. This is what I wear when I hate-masturbate.

If I ever needed absolute proof that I am completely wrecked sexually I need look no further than the fact that the first thing to turn me on in ages is the non-stop 24-hour news cycle pummeling of the Republican vice presidential announcement of Mitt Romney

Seriously, you guys, I cannot stop hate-masturbating to Paul Ryan.

Hear me out, though. Don't judge yet. I mean you don't know how the fantasy in my brain goes right? And maybe there's a do-gooding subtext where I convince him -- through the power of hate-vagina -- to drop out or give all of his cash to Planned Parenthood or global warming prevention or preservation of Medicare or something.

I mean maybe the porn-loop in my brain goes like: "Hey Paul Ryan, my name is Mandy Stadtmiller, and I'm going to change you. You are no longer going to be a hate-swilling, personhood-advocating, steal-from-the-poor-give-to-the-rich-propagating, right-wing, complete and total messenger of Satan dickhead lying evil Republican asshole because we are about to have the most penultimate fuckfest in the history of fuckfests."

And maybe he's like, "------."

Because he doesn't say anything at all. Because THAT'S WHEN HE JUST FULL ON FUCKS ME. He lifts my skirt up, moves my panties aside, zips down his trou and fully just goes for it while we're on top of the Lincoln monument and stuff.

Then he just puts a finger to my lips like, "Shoosh," and, "Does this feel okay?"

And I'm like, "You know I really don't like it when a man says, 'Is this okay?' when consent has already been established because that can kind of kill the mood you know -- but wait a minute WHAT AM I EVEN DOING, PAUL RYAN?"

And then I tell him that we simply cannot keep doing this anymore because I don't respect him as a person let alone as a politician and how did he get so good at fucking anyway because Ayn Rand's sex scenes are like notoriously awkwardly written.

And then he reaches down, gently brushes my clit with his hand and employs the old classic shocker move -- two fingers in the pussy, one in the asshole, and just as I don't think I can climax anymore, I yell out, "I fucking hate you, Paul Ryan, I really really hate you! Obama 2012. We're going to crush you. Reproductive rights forever, asshole."

And then he says, "Hey do you want to check out the Holocaust Museum later because I've never been?" And I'm like, "No. I hate you. And I'm not fucking you again." BUT THEN WE FULLY FUCK AGAIN. Round two.

And this time I discover that oh my God he totally loves eating pussy, and I'm like, "What? Who knew conservative Republicans who think that life starts at the point of fucking sperm would love burying their face so deeply in my cunt but that's awesome Congressman Ryan, you DO YOU, buddy," except it just comes out kind of strangled and muffled like a choking scream of pleasure. Because he's really good at eating pussy.

But then I come to my senses, pull my panties back on, dry myself off using his extremely high-thread count jacket and I tell him that if it takes my whole life I'm going to work against him and his stupid fucking awful policies and lies and Tea Party bullshit and then I tell him how much I hate him and his charisma and I tell him Ayn Rand was a stupid writer and anyone who still talks about how great she is probably isn't that well-read and then -- fuck. We are full on making out "Moonlighting" style again. Goddamnit.

YOU GUYS WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME. Seriously. It's bad for me. It's bad for the country. It's bad for my boyfriend Joe Biden.

Please, please, please in the name of Michelle Obama's smooth-muscled well-toned feminist arms please give me some alternative fodder to jerk it to. George Clooney is just too smug for me now. Johnny Depp is just too accessible after his cameo in "21 Jump Street." I'm thinking Ryan Gosling? Except of course, there's this.

Damn you, Paul Ryan and your hypnotic dreamy eyes, filled with sex and Medicare coupons. Damn you all to hell.

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