Hell No: Warming Lube

I was on fire, but not in a good way.
Publish date:
June 22, 2011

The online music library for which I am too cheap to pay thinks I’m a dude. I told it that when I registered. I’d learned this lesson from a certain another music site, which deployed a pop-up ad for Midol every time I “disliked” a song. Now I get ads for Axe and Gilt, Vanguard Mutual Funds, and SanctumOkay, player. But when Groovesharkstarted pimping the Trojan Pleasures Ecstasy Fire & Icecondom, I could no longer be silent. No mere latex sheath, this condom now combines warming and cooling sensations inside and out with a revolutionary zeppelin shape designed by sexypeople using the GUI from Minority Report. No, not really. They put the icy-hot lube on the kind of condom with the tapered shape. And science happened! Or at least a very sciency rebranding.But I can’t ignore it. I’m terrified of this condom. It flashes me back to a bottle of Durex Play Tingling LubricantI was once handed when I asked a new partner if there was any lube. Reader, I applied it. Generously. As if it were any other silicone lube and I were about to have a nice time, which I did not. It napalmed my genitourinary region with menthol and “flavor” in a long-lasting formula. I did the Dr. Bronner’s Shuffle to the bathroom, cried and rinsed thoroughly, and sat on a washcloth until the freshness subsided.Trojan also acts shady about the contents of the Fire & Ice lube. Several user reviews mentioned that the ingredients weren’t listed on the box. So I have to assume it contains capsaicin, menthol, and glycerol, which means it is The Enemy. I don’t get the warming lube thing. Warmth from friction, sure, okay. But from capsaicin, the chemical that burns your fingers when you make chili? And if you don’t wear gloves then you spend all night sleeping with your hand in baking soda paste, and you fling it everywhere when you turn over? That stuff? Hell no.Nor glycerol. If you feed the yeast, the terrorists win. We’ve got to keep the sugary stuff out of our shady bits. Then again, maybe I’m an old fart. I use Slippery Stuff, which is the Luby’s of lube. It does have methylparaben in it, so paraben-sensitive friends can’t play. (So too, the cabbage at Luby’s isn’t vegetarian.) It’s boring, but it won’t wreck your silicone toys, inflame your genital mucosa, and give you BV. I guess I’m just not looking to the lube for the excitement. Am I missing something?