Do You Have to Break Up With Someone If They Won't Have Sex With You?

My "friend" wants to know.
Publish date:
May 14, 2011

This is not neccessarily about me! I know enough people having this problem that I could write a very poorly supported trend piece about it. But let's say that someone who looks very much like me (tall, striking) were to tell you that she has a great relationship with an amazing man but that they very rarely have sex. Would you be all "GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN, SISTER" or more like "Oh, pish posh. It's just sex, after all."

Because sometimes I think, "Hey, no relationship's perfect, and wouldn't you rather be with someone with a low sex drive than someone who fights with you about everything or acts all moody and tempermental when you're out together, or says things like "I'm sorry" when you tell him you're going to see "Valentine's Day" in the theater?

And then others times I think, "Jesus fucking Christ, if I don't get something in my vagina ASAP, I am going to freak out and kill Jane talk about it in therapy." [What does/did killing me have to do with anything? I know I'm responsible for plenty of your miseries in life, but your boyfriend not having sex with you isn't one of them. xoxo --Jane] I'M NOT SAYING THIS IS ABOUT ME, JANE.

There's this whole school of though that problems in the bedroom are an indicator of deeper relationship problems, like the genitals are the window to the soul of the relationship or something. But I don't know that I buy that, because if a suffering sex life is an indicator of a bad relationship, then wouldn't a smoking sex life indicate an amazing relationship? [No, just the first part of that thesis is true. One doesn't necessarily follow on the other. That's what I think anyway. But I will shut up now. --Jane] And we all know the best sex comes out of dysfunctional, ambiguity-fueled entanglements with bad people.

Plus I get the impression that most couples quit having sex after a certain point, anyway, at least according to the plots of many television sitcoms and stock photography images. Although I just asked my friend who has been married for 14 years how often he and his wife have sex and he told me "3 times a week" but he's a freak, right?

I know a lot of couples who are just dealing with the lack of sex thing because in comparison to all that life-sharing, bill-splitting, funeral-attending, child-rearing stuff that makes up a good partnership, hot sex just isn't that important. Or maybe it's the most important thing ever! I can't decide.

I refer you to the title question.