Do You Pay for Porn?

Every part of my sexual life philosophy until this point has hinged on one fundamental belief: that as a woman, getting laid will always be super easy, which means I shouldn't have to spend any time, effort or money making it happen.

Nov 11, 2011 at 12:05pm | Leave a comment

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So, the other day I was FINALLY trying out this Minna Ola vibe sent to me by Babeland approximately a million years ago. I know it sounds crazy, but it's hard to find the time to masturbate when you're a busy career woman who DVRs at least 10 shows.

Anyway, I was holding this purple squeezey-dobber against my clit, mentally twiddling my thumbs, when it occured to me that maybe I would have more success with vibrators if I wasn't relying on a decades-old mash-up of random sexual encounters played on a skittering loop.

Suddenly, I remembered that porn exists!

I mean, it's not like I've never used it before. As a young teen, I somehow aquired a beat-up VHS copy of a little film called "Masseuse II." Although I never saw Massuese I, I followed the plot well enough to know that I really like it when Randy West talked kind of mean, even though he was at least 45 and had a gray mullet. If I were able to locate a copy of this film today -- and I can't, I've tried -- I'm pretty sure I would be able to recite the dialogue from memory. Most of the other films for which I can boast this include singing and/or animated mermaids.

Once I graduated to having lackluster intercourse with Cow-town bucks who thought that my clitoris was located somewhere at the veeeery back of my vagina, I sort of lost track of pornography.We didn't call, we didn't write.

Despite all my issues with sexual compulsivity, I am not a compulsive masturbator. It's too much fun getting naked and rolling around with somebody else. I like masturbation just fine, which is a bit odd considering my usual relationship to things that feel good is to snort/guzzle/gobble them down until I am physically unable to snort/guzzle/gobble anymore.

And my relationship to porn is even more casual. I have a few DVDs, mostly feminist-y stuff I reviewed for BUST (snooooze) and stuff that was sent to me for free when I worked for a men's website, a lot of it of the "porn parody" variety ala "The Whores Have Eyes." I mean, thank God they do.

Anyway, none of that stuff was going to help me out in a pinch, so I headed to my old friend the Internet, more specifically BangBus.com.

Ya'll, I am scared to tell you how much I like this site! Scared because it's an example of some real down and dirty misogynist-y pornografia, and I LOVE IT. Basically, the "Bang Brothers" drive around picking up "sluts" in the "Bang Bus," offer them money to perform various sexual acts, then kick them out of the bus at the end. But none of it is real; they're porn actresses and these are produced porn videos made to feel like amateur porn.

And look, at this moment, I was trying to have an orgasm, not organize a rally. This is what my vagina likes!

I once had a membership to this site, not because I paid for it, but because the company gave it to me after I wrote about liking the site.

In fact, I have never paid for porn. Every part of my sexual life philosophy until this point has hinged on one fundamental belief: that as a woman, getting laid will always be super easy, which means I shouldn't have to spend any time, effort or money making it happen. I don't pay for sex toys, hotel rooms, condoms, or sex club entrance fees, so why would I pay for porn?

But I recognize that "Some man will buy it for me" is an outdated mode of thinking, one that was favored by a me who did a lot of things I don't do anymore, so maybe it's time to revise that belief. See, I just made paying for my own misogynistic porn feminist!

OH! And the Minna Ola was really good! It's like a sex robot; you squeeze one end to set a custom pressure and pattern and then it remembers what you like.  It has no batteries and is rechargeable, which is always nice. It's the first toy I've gotten off with that wasn't the Hitachi Magic wand in ages, so I am fully endorsing it.

As far as the porn, it didn't take long to get the job done, so I made do with the 20-second-ish preview videos you can access for free on the site, but it was the easiest orgasm I've had since upping my antidepressants dosage a few months ago, so I'm considering investing in a membership.

Help me make the mental leap -- do you consume porn? If so, do you pay for it? Also, do you hate me for having sexist sexy fantasies? If it helps my case at all, I hear this kind of arousal template is pretty common in survivors of rape.