Here's your place to come talk about sex and love whenever you feel like it.
I've even changed my hairstyle to try and impress a girl. This one was a cheerleader
I always feel the need to defend my male brethren against pretty much any accusation that gets wantonly thrown at us by you callous females.
Yes, you’ll go on about women’s rights: unequal pay, that famed ‘glass ceiling’ in your careers (that’s what hammers are for girls), getting the vote (one for the older reader that), the pain of childbirth and the cost of Avon products these days (see previous note).
But, we have it tough. I mean I just had to sit through 80 minutes of women’s football out of duty to a female friend. That’s right, 80 minutes. Two halves of forty minutes of passing the ball ten yards, taking five touches to control the ball and goalkeeping that is a contradiction to the actual name.
I’ve not seen anything so badly kept since those pictures of the infamously hirsute Julia Roberts.
But I digress, I was simply trying to offend in the name of humour and give the piece a bit of an Olympic theme (yes that was Olympic football I had to suffer).
My point –which has taken so long for me to get to that I’ve bored myself and am now seriously running the risk of getting lost in the maze of my own sentences – is that despite having to defend male rights against female oppression for as long as I can remember, is that this piece is almost [almost? --Rebecca] a slight on the male psyche.
Please forgive me God (for he too is a man, as we all know).
It turns out that blokes are actually drama queens, and I have to confess it seems that I am one myself. It’s an accusation I’ve thrown at so many women I’ve lost count and one that women have likewise thrown at other women.
Yet, in the course of my extensive research into my own love life, I’ve realised that pretty much every single relationship of note I’ve had (about six I reckon) and those that I’ve tried to have (considerably more), involved a challenge to overcome.
Let’s take a top five – but in a dramatic Act-form, because that makes it seem a bit, well, more dramatic-like…
A Drama about A Male Drama Queen
Act I - Girl in need of rescuingFirst girlfriend (aged 17, I’m 16) leaves home after row with folks, arrives in the middle of night. Moves in with me, never leaves for two years.
When I eventually ask her to leave, mother suggests I move out to live with my uncle instead. Ouch. Thanks mum.
Act II. Saving girl from loveless marriageOur hero (that’s me) meets woman weeks before she gets married, it’s love at first sight. She still gets married but after spending honeymoon in tears, runs away to be with me.
Two months later, bored again, she cheats on me with work colleague. Doh! Deserved that one.
Act III. Religion can’t keep us apartMeets ridiculously pretty girl from different religion – she does everything to put off our hero. Undeterred, he wins her heart, falls desperately in love.
In the end, it’s not the religion, it’s just our hero
Everyone knew it wouldn't work out. She was a wookie, I was Darth Maul...
Act IV. Girl with famous dadWorking on a basis of ‘let’s see how long we can keep this going, because it’d be cool to meet her famous dad’, our hero (okay, I’m getting bored of this now) sees the challenge of a life in a very dramatic daughter of a TV multi-millionaire.
Manage a couple of months, before being sent back with the other pondlife. Did meet famous dad though so definitely a ‘win’.
Act V. The class divideShe: Oxbridge, posh, dates aristocratic types, knows clever stuff. He: no degree, from west country (say in comedy accent for full impact), can’t pronounce ‘th’ in most words, knows how to catch rabbits. Despite the odds, it lasts three years before boredom creeps in.
And this is just edited highlights, the crux of the matter is when I looked at every single girl I’ve ever been interested they all come with an element of drama.
One girl I’d been circling for a few months, emailed me as I was about to pounce to say: ‘Lesson: if you’re serious about meeting someone, don’t spend your time on somebody who bats for the other side’.
So, she’s gay… now there’s a challenge. Oh what drama could there be for me there… Which is an ironic thought for me to have, especially given the experience of my friend Dave (see previous post).
The more I looked into this, though, the more I realise that it's not just me. Another friend of mine is currently head over heels with a girl who, quite frankly, appears to be mental.
She’s married, and not to my friend (although they’re apparently not together, but do live at the same address), she’s slightly unhinged, she storms out at inappropriate times at social occasions and she makes highly charged emotional statements with alarming regularity.
She told me quite theatrically how she was going to make him wait a year for sex when I first met her. She didn’t (about a fortnight). But such drama.
And he doesn’t know whether he’s coming or going – hence the infatuation. I expect them to marry within the year – presuming she doesn’t get sectioned in the meantime.
I’m not saying the drama thing is a bad thing. Indeed, it’s often the case that the drama that begins a relationship – be it keeping an office fling secret or helping somebody through a tough time – is what helps bond you at the beginning.
It essentially keeps things interesting until you get past that fickle, take-it-or-leave-it stage so you can actually give yourself time to, y’know, fall in love and stuff (I possibly sound like Dr Phil here).
So, my advice to those seeking a bloke: be crazy, be moody, be unattainable, be unfriendly and frosty, pretend to be gay, say no several times and act like you really hate us to our core.
How hard can it be?