Here's your place to come talk about sex and love whenever you feel like it.
Well, I got an early birthday present.
I turn 38 exactly one month from today -- and wow, did a young man make me feel my age in a hilarious email he sent to me in reply to a personal ad I posted on a lark.
For, uh, science, I decided to post the following on Craigslist to see if perhaps The One was also on a sketchy website in the wee hours in order to find his carefully vetted soulmate. My ad read as follows:
Subject: “Seeking a totally rad guy who’s totally rad.”
“I'd like to meet a great guy -- meaning someone who knows how to tell a story, is funny, intelligent, kind, interesting, excited by life, joyful, honest and sees beauty in other people, has a dark and playful sense of humor, isn't crazy, has goals, has confidence, is intoxicated by New York, views each new day as an amazing opportunity to kick ass. I want us to be superheroes together. I want us to laugh at and celebrate the world around us like Woody Allen and Diane Keaton in Annie Hall. I want us to be daring, true, passionate and good people. I like people who don't go for the easy snark and the overplayed attitude of 'that sucks' and 'oh that's TOTALLY going to suck" and 'oh hey check out THIS withering comment about why this Universally Agreed Upon Cultural Target sucks.' I like authenticity and brilliance. Email me a little bit about yourself, and I'd love to meet you for a coffee or possibly even a loose-leaf tea. If you email me a picture and we seem compatible, I will email you one back. Please, no penis pics. Or if you must, please dress it up with a bowtie and flowers. Thanks for your attention.”
Semi-lame ad, but whatever. Because man oh man, was it worth it!
Thanks to it, I was fortunate enough to meet a man I shall call "Tommy." I mean, not MET him met him, but email met him.
Here is the truly spectacular reply I received from dear Tommy. I will not correct the playful capitalization that was a critical component of his style as that is a critical component of his seduction style.
Please note: None of this is made up. None of it.
“Greetings and salutations. i liked Your post. Very no-nonsense, matter-of-fact, and laying it down as it is. Please allow me to speak a little bit about myself, yes? i am an international graduate student and attend graduate school in NYC. i live in Manhattan. i long for a healthy, salubrious relationship with a mature (in the emotional sense, not age sense) Woman. Just being in the company of such a person (like You) can work wonders in keeping my sanity in check, i am sure.
'What do i have to offer in return, You ask?' Well, let’s see. i am young. i am independent. i am dynamic. i am energetic. i am ambitious. i am virile. But most of all, i am a mature guy with my head firmly on top of my shoulders, and my feet on the ground. And i have a certain fondness towards older Women that can translate into downright devotion.
"If given a chance, You will be my Faye Dunawaye, my Holland Taylor, my Sigourney Weaver and i will be Your most trustworthy and devoted young servant, forever at Your beck and call, to please You and to do Your chores in every possible way. You will be my Queen Elizabeth to whom i would have given the whole of England--if only it was mine to give.
"Give me a chance, Respected Madam. i will show You how Queen Cleopatra ought to be treated by Her loyal, dutiful, obedient slave. i will consider it Heavenly if You were to let me hold Your tired soles in my lap and permit me to massage them. i will show You what true worship of a Woman really means. i like Women who are established in their lives, who know what they want, who are no-nonsense, not into any mind games. Women who are older than me definitely fit that profile.
"That is why i liked Your post--very confident and authoritative. It was like a welcome breath of fresh air! i also have an incredible liking for Women's feet, and am a good masseur. Being from the East, and hailing from a family of masseurs, i am well versed in the art of the Tantra and the Ayurveda forms of massage. i am not a professional masseur per se. No, I got up on the wrong side of the bed one day and decided to break away from family tradition instead! However, my family professional background, coupled with my intense liking for Women's feet, does translate itself into an hour or two's worth of a good, relaxing massage session--for the right Woman who is amenable to this kind of arrangement.
“Do write to me, Respected Madam. You sound like a practical person, going by what You have written in Your post. What have You got to lose by dropping in a few lines?
I told him I might meet him (come on, he's not DEFINITELY a serial killer), but I would need to have a friend there to make sure everything was on the up and up. He wrote back within minutes -- and get this:
His reply email contained about 32 attachments showing various images of a man massaging a woman’s feet.
This guy is golden. He went on to write:
“Respected Ms. Stadtmiller, Thank You for Your prompt response. However, Respected Ms. Stadtmiller, i am a bit confused -- what do You have in mind? Why the need for a friend to be there, Respected Ms. Stadtmiller? All i am looking for is the giving of the oil massage to American Woman. And where do You live, Respected Ms. Stadtmiller. Respectfully Respected Ms. Stadtmiller's, -T”
I don’t think I can ever be sad again. I mean: “Respectfully Respected Ms. Stadtmiller's"? I just can't.
And I think Tommy might be too good for me.
I THINK HE IS TOO GOOD FOR ALL OF US.
Respectfully Respected, Ms. Stadtmiller's.
Find Mandy long-form at http://tinyurl.com/stadtmiller.