THE CAT MARNELL SCHOOL OF DATING: "If You Don't Call Me Back In 15 Minutes, Then I'm Burning Myself With A Cigarette"

Cat teaches by example, and she's always trying to show me new things, especially how to handle dudes.

Jan 20, 2012 at 12:00pm | Leave a comment

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Remember when Cat told you about S, the new guy she's seeing? Well, I met him once at Westway, and he's exactly the sort of person I want her to be with--successful, cool, witty, and into her.

Unlike some of the dust-head, man-children of Cat's past, S takes her to restaurants that aren't on OpenTable; they see films, not movies, and he even has her in a luxe new streetwear wardrobe courtesy of the brand he works for. F*cking swag, right?

Cat teaches by example, and she's always trying to show me new things, especially how to handle dudes.

Earlier this week, she landed in the office and demanded that I email S and tell him that she wasn't speaking to him. Look, I'm serious:

On 1/17/12 12:36 PM, "cat.marnell@gmail.com" <cat.marnell@gmail.com> wrote:

Email s@gmail and tell him I'm not speaking to him
until he acknowledges that my life is stressful and hugely busy too

Sent on the Sprint® Now Network from my BlackBerry®

From: Julie Schott
To: Cat Marnell
Subject: Re: Can u
Sent: Jan 17, 2012 12:40 PM

Do you really want me to tell him that?

Beauty Assistant
xoJane.COM
SAY Media
245 Fifth Ave., 5 Floor  New York, NY 10016

On 1/17/12 12:42 PM, "cat.marnell@gmail.com" <cat.marnell@gmail.com> wrote:

YES! Please.

Reluctantly, I emailed S.

On Tue, Jan 17, 2012 at 12:50 PM, Julie Schott <julie@xojane.com> wrote:

Hi S,

I hope all is well. Cat is busy and stressed at the moment and won't be able to speak with you until you acknowledge what she's going through. Please feel free to follow up with any questions or concerns.

Xx Julie

And then S said...

From: S<s@gmail.com>
Date: Tue, 17 Jan 2012 10:17:33 -0800
To: Julie Schott <julie@xojane.com>
Subject: Re: Cat Marnell's Status

Hi Julie, thank you for your email.

I'm unaware of what Cat is going through, please consider this note an acknowledgment that I'm happy to speak with her further in order to better "acknowledge what she is going through," per her request. Cat's happiness and general well being are of utmost importance to me, and nothing makes me happier than allowing my presence to contribute to that. 

If she'd like to join me for dinner tonight at 930, I'd love to see her. I'm also able to shift reservations to 10pm if that better fits her schedule. If her timing is limited I am able to meet her for a drink, although I prefer the restaurant dynamic for this type of interaction. I know timing things can be difficult when one is overly stressed and I apologize for the short notice and for my limited availability.

Please let me know if this email is sufficient or if further actions are required. I'll be in meetings until 2:30pm today and will be able to respond at that time. 

Best Regards,

S

S's response totally won me over, but Cat wasn't having it. I begged her to accept his invite, but instead she made me tell him that she was busy.

This right here is called the Cat Marnell school of dating. Watch and learn:

On Tue, Jan 17, 2012 at 2:59 PM, Julie Schott <julie@xojane.com> wrote:

Hi S,

Thank you for your response. Cat appreciates your invite to dinner, but will be busy this evening smoking dust. Again please feel free to follow up with any further questions.

Xx Julie

Bold move, Cat.

From: S<s@gmail.com>

Date: Tue, 17 Jan 2012 13:34:00 -0800
To: Julie Schott <julie@xojane.com>
Subject: Re: Cat Marnell's Status

Hi Julie:

That's too bad. I have a spot that is most definitely not on Open Table. Perhaps she'll be available another time.
Can you please confirm that it's appropriate for me to reach out to Cat directly moving forward? I think you're great but would rather not proceed in this manner.

Best,

S

Again, I urged Cat to just accept the goddamn invite, and successfully got her to reconsider. Or so I thought.

From: Julie Schott <julie@xojane.com>

Date: Tue, 17 Jan 2012 13:52:16 -0800
To: S<s@gmail.com>
Subject: Re: Cat Marnell's Status

Hi S,

Thank you again for your message. Cat may have an opening in her schedule. Could you please tell me the name of the restaurant for this evening? I look forward to hearing from you.

Xx Julie

I really was looking forward to hearing about this new restaurant!

From: "s@gmail.com" <s@gmail.com>

Reply-To: "s@gmail.com" <s@gmail.com>
Date: Tue, 17 Jan 2012 14:27:55 -0800
To: Julie Schott <julie@xojane.com>
Subject: Re: Cat Marnell's Status

Hi Julie:

I had seats at a TriBeCa loft where my friend is doing a tasting, but it's completely full now.

I have reservations at Il Buco for 945 if she'd like to meet me there. It's not the same, but it's great.

If we eat at 945, Cat should be done by 11 or 11 30, leaving time for smoking dust or whatever other plans she has.

If you can let me know either way by six that would be great as I'll be in class after that.

Best,

S
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

"Tell him no!" Cat screamed from her office.

Hi S,

Thank you for the update. Unfortunately Cat has other dinner plans.

Xx Julie

PS you're both insane.

Then she decided to call him, but he didn't pick up.

Hi S,


Cat says if you don't call her within the next 15 minutes she's going to self-harm with a Marlboro Ultra Light.

Xx Julie

After that, Cat started preaching about the power of female narcissism, like the young Sharon Stone that she is. Apparently, it's the key to hypnotizing a penis. Whatever, I don't know.

What do you think of Cat's communication style? And how do you keep the person you're seeing interested? Let's talk about it!

Follow Julie on Twitter @JR_Schott.