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I have friends who have been gifted thousands of dollars worth of shoes, purses, clothes, jewelry, cars and condos from the men they are dating. Most of my friends make a living working jobs as models, playmates or sugar babies.
That’s right, being a sugar baby is a JOB and it’s not an easy one. One of my friends just told me about having to wipe her sugar daddy's ass because she gets a $5k monthly allowance from him and felt obligated.
You may think that sugar babies are no different than prostitutes.
Wrong. Being a prostitute is easier.
It’s a one-time job, make the guy cum and go home. When you’re a sugar baby, there’s a whole relationship involved. You’re getting paid for your companionship, as well as your blowjob skills. Not all sugar daddies are gross. Some of my girlfriends get taken care of by totally decent looking dudes.
I consider myself a bit of a sugar daddy expert. So how did I not know about a sugar daddy convention taking place in my own backyard?
This past weekend SeekingArrangement, an online “dating” site connecting sugar daddies with sugar babies, held a masquerade party/sugar daddy convention, and xoJane sent me to report back. Other than the masks, it sounded no different than any other party in Hollywood. I’m friends with sugar babies who don’t even know they’re sugar babies. I thought for sure I’d see a bunch of people I knew at this event.
I didn’t run into ONE person I knew at this event and after going I know why.
This party was for beginners that didn’t know any better. They were new to the game, sugar baby preemies, and had no idea what the rules were or how to play it.
The night’s mission was obvious: I had to help these people.
It was going to be a long night and vodka was definitely going to be my wingman.
Two shots later...three if you count the one I accidentally flung across the bar while trying to point out the chocolate fountain to the middle-aged blonde woman I met in the bathroom after asking me to help her adjust her Spanx. She told me she came to the party because she wanted to “surround herself with power players."
After an hour of telling blonde Spanx lady she was wasting her time here, a man, probably in his 50s, shyly approached me from across the room.
He waited for me to acknowledge him and then asked where I was from, how tall I was, and what I was drinking. I answered him, but he couldn’t hear me ”over the loud music.”
He had “divorcee” written all over him.
This man didn’t flinch when I asked him what he did for a living, what he’s looking for in a woman, and how many vacation homes he had. He told me he worked in finance and he prefers brunettes over “insecure blondes.” His ex-wife was a blonde, he said. He told me he thinks it says a lot about a woman when she has to dye her hair blonde. Then he showed me a bird’s eye view of his beachfront mansion on his phone using Google Earth.We talked for a while and he told me that he ended up joining SeekingArrangement after the women he met off of the other dating sites were always looking for something too serious.
He just wanted to have fun and date women who were satisfied being taken care of without wanting a relationship.He asked me what kind of guys I typically date. I told him I like men with private planes. My soulmate has a private plane and lives in a house that has a walk-in closet big enough to get lost in and a bathtub big enough to drown in. He asked if he could find me on Facebook since I wasn’t a member of the SeekingArrangement website. I told him Facebook was lame and to follow me on Instagram.
When he said he didn’t have an Instagram account I knew right then I was brought into his life for a reason.
This poor guy had no idea what he’s been missing out on. I told him he ABSOLUTELY had to be on Instagram. A sugar daddy without an Instagram is the equivalent of a ship without a sail, or in his case, a yacht without an engine. I helped him set up an account and sent him on his way. Then I had another shot.
I met a brunette woman who worked as a Lyft driver. She was in her early 40s and wore red satin gloves she bought at Party City. “They were only 5 bucks," she said.
I needed another drink. She reminded me of Renee Zellweger’s character in that scene from "Bridget Jones's Diary" where she went to a party dressed as a “sexy” bunny. She desperately needed my help. Ladies, you don’t have to have model looks to be a successful sugar baby. The other day my friend showed me a pic of a music celebrity's latest sugar baby. She looks exactly like Zoila Chavez from that "Flipping Out" show on E! and she just got a dope condo in Miami.
The party inspired me to make the following sugar baby CliffNotes. They are everything you need to know about being a successful sugar baby in LA.
#1: Know the Best Places in LA to Meet a Sugar Daddy.
The best places are upscale hotels in Beverly Hills. The Beverly Hills Hotel and The Four Seasons are PRIME sugar daddy hunting grounds. The hotel bar is filled with businessmen from out of town. They travel a ton for work and their pockets are deep. The best time to go is around 5-ish. Either go alone or with one other girl. A guy is way more likely to approach a girl sitting alone than he is a girl surround by her girlfriends.
#2: Understand The Arrangement If You Want The Arrangement.
The goal here is to have the discussion about him taking care of you. There’s usually an agreed-upon dollar amount that a sugar baby will be given per month. This doesn’t include gifts and payment varies. Sometimes it's cash, other times it's check. I even have a girlfriend that uses one of those Square payment things. Sugar daddies love spoiling their babies. Shopping sprees on Rodeo and Melrose are regular events.
#3: There Are Many, Many Unspoken Sugar Baby Rules.
It’s not uncommon for a girl to have more than one sugar daddy but she must never let any of her SD’s know. When you’re someone’s SB, you’re his girl. You cater to his wants and needs. You make yourself available to see him when he calls or texts you to hang or fly out to see him. Always. When your SD wants to see you, you take a rain check with your girlfriends you were supposed to hang out with that day and go see him. My friend screwed up a really great SD/SB relationship because she was never available. He’s making his money available so you better make yourself available.
#4: You Will Be More Successful If You Keep Your Mind Open To His Requests.
If your SD wants you to put on a strap-on and screw him till he vomits…put on a strap-on and screw him till he vomits. This is a real request one of my girlfriends gets regularly from her SD. If he’s too fat to reach his own ass to wipe and wants you to do it for him, do it lovingly. This was a real request. I’m not kidding. Remember the Bentley he bought you? Just remind yourself of that when it’s hour three of being penetrated with his Viagara-enhanced boner and you’re desperately praying for him to finish already.
#5: Maintain a Positive Attitude To Maintain A Positive Relationship.
Alcohol can be a sugar baby's best friend and so can other mind-altering substances. You’re supposed to be affectionate toward your SD. Sure, your main priority is getting that money in the bank, but always act like his happiness is your priority. Just like in a normal relationship, it’s important to do sweet things. Initiate sex, compliment him, and make him feel like the man -- unless he’s into the degrading dominatrix thing. A guy doesn’t want to be around his girl when she’s bitchy, moody, and uninterested and neither does a sugar daddy.
#6: This Is A Sugar-Based Relationship But It's Not Going To Lead To A Cake At The End.
These relationships aren’t marriages. I have recently been to a sugar baby wedding, but they are RARE. When, and if it ends, you aren’t entitled to anything. So be smart: Balenciaga bags are nice, but you can't live in them when you can’t afford to pay the rent. Any given night in LA is an opportunity for a hopeful sugar baby to meet her sugar daddy in shining armor.
Happy hunting, babies!