Can You Have An O From P in the V?

That is my advertiser-friendly way of introducing the topic of vaginal orgasms.

Nov 18, 2011 at 1:00pm | Leave a comment

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If human genitals were animals, the penis would be like a cocker spaniel -- reliable, fun-loving, trustworthy -- and the vagina would be one of those exotic puffer fish that might suddenly grow spikes or shoot some kind of toxic goo in your face. It's just more complicated.

There are all those folds and pockets and crevices -- you could spend all day in there and not see everything. Like a museum.

And in a literal translation of "different strokes for different folks," they all work differently. I respect that. Which is why I know it's wrong that every time a woman tells me that she can have an orgasm from intercourse alone, I sort of ... doubt it.

I always read that statistic about how 75 percent of women can't have orgasms from intercourse alone and think, Who the hell are those other 25 percent? (Incidentally, do NOT go the Wikipedia page for vagina unless you are prepared to take in some pornographically splayed vageen.)

It's not that I think they're lying, exactly, just that maybe they're confused....like they just got really worked up and sort of Holy-Ghosted up an orgasm, like how we all used to speak in tongues at Bible camp.

It doesn't help that they always go, "You have to be really, really into it!" Like if I was having the amazing, mind-bending sex that they were having, I would basically be having orgasms with my freaking MIND and then my mind would go on to make a nice dinner for the two of us, all of it without using any hands.

LIARS.

Because I am truly NEVER going to cum from vaginal intercourse, even if you use your best moves, even if you attempt to rub your pelvic bone against my clitoris or whatever the women's magazines are pretending works these days, not even if you last for a million hours. 

So I'm sorry for doubting your word, non-clitoral orgasm ladies, but my vagina simply does not understand. If you tell me in the comments that you are real, I will try my best to believe you.

But even if you're out there, you're still the minority, so how did you get so good at advancing your agenda? I say this because a definite majority of the men I've had sex with have been wholly invested in the idea that if they just. pound. me. hard. enough. that I'll eventually get there, and they seem confused and saddened when I make it clear that I'm not going to cum that way. I end up feeling like I'm difficult and disappointing because I don't have a clitoris near my cervix.

It seems pretty messed up that men seem to be fundamentally confused on the mechanics of the female orgasm. Seriously, can we put out a press release or something? MOST WOMEN ARE NOT GOING TO HAVE AN ORGASM JUST FROM YOU BANGING THEM. Tell Regis before he's gone, I trust him to spread the word.

No one would be this ill-informed about a male body part! Gay dudes aren't pounding each other in the ass and going, "Did you cum yet?" "Now?" "You didn't?" POUT.

SEXIST! Also sexist: The God of my church camp youth for not making our genitals more intuitive. Also also, watch this video of the female brain during an orgasm. Science made it, and I have no idea what it means, but I like the pretty colors.

 

Now be real with me, bitches. Can you have a real, bona fide orgasm without clitorial stimulation?

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