Am I A Douche For Pushing Beauty Products On My Boyfriend?

I think he’s ridiculously good looking. I just think he needs help sometimes.

Apr 12, 2013 at 12:00pm | Leave a comment

Ever since I stuck my finger in Brian’s face and said, “YOU!” at 4 a.m. in the backyard of a bar early last summer -- and we subsequently exchanged numbers and started going out -- I’ve thought he was hot. I mean, I’m attracted to the guy I’m having sex with on a regular basis. That’s normal. 

In fact, I find him so visually appealing, he’s been the wallpaper on my phone for the past six months:

image

It's disgusting, I know.

I’m telling you this not be like, “My boyfriend’s hot, so that means I’m hot, right? RIGHT?” But because recently, on a trip out of town, I picked a fight with my guy after I discovered he “forgot” his hair product (LIES). I told him he looked like a baby bird without anything in his hair, and then I went to the grocery store, bought him some hair clay, (linking to the one I wish I got -- the place had slim pickings) and applied it for him, as if he were my 12-year-old son.

And now I feel like a total douche. 

I always consider that go-to, ego-appeasing question when Brian -- or anyone for that matter -- hurts my feelings: “How would you feel if I did that to you?” 

It usually gets my point across without having to actually confess I have a tendency to be insecure, jealous, and a tad self-righteous in relationships. (I’m a Leo, OK?) 

So: How would I feel if my boyfriend passive-aggressively said my hair looked kind of shitty, went out and bought me hair products, and proceeded to put them in FOR ME?

Well that thought kind of turned me on, in a 50 Shades sort of way. 

Trying again: How would I feel if my boyfriend commented on my child-like B.O. (seriously, I smell like an elementary school-aged boy sometimes), went out, bought me perfume, and sprayed it on me?

DAMMIT. This tactic just isn’t working. 

image

He came over drunk recently and I was like, "Time for face masks!" He asked me if it would soak into his face or if he had to wash it off.

OK, no, really: If my boyfriend said I didn’t look good -- or compared me to a tiny, raggedy-looking creature -- I’d think he was a huge dick, and probably pick up the nearest thing and throw it in a fit of rage.

This would simply never happen, though.

Why? We began dating under the pretense that I’m sort of shallow, and indulge in activities such as styling my hair for an hour and playing with pretty things at Sephora every weekend. He simply expects me to maintain my image, right?  

(Mind you, Brian’s seen me looking like garbage a-plenty. He’s sat with me overnight in a very frightening psych ward.) 

How much can I expect him to care about maintaining his own looks -- because it matters to me?

When I guiltily asked Brian if I hurt his feelings after the whole hair clay debacle, he said, “Not really. I like when I'm attractive to you.” Which made me feel like an even bigger douche.

And I've "suggested" other products too: Facewashes and moisturizers and a face mask here or there. When I met him, he was using a single bar of soap.

Aren’t I supposed to just like him how he is? Obviously, I think he’s ridiculously good looking. I just think he needs help sometimes.

What do you expect from your partner when it comes to them maintaining their looks (or not)? Are you with someone less inclined to use products, or AHEM, "forget their hair clay" and do you suggest one here or there? Or are you that person, and you're now offended, or simply don't give a shit? 

Call me a d-bag on Twitter: @caitlinthornton.