Here's your place to come talk about sex and love whenever you feel like it.
According to a survey, a third of people have got mega-jiggy/had sexual intercourse with a work colleague in an office. WHY? WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?
Before everyone starts being sick on each other and launching vast tirades of abuse, I'm not slut shaming, but more me-shaming.
I have no balls. I am sans scrote. Even if I fancied my colleague so hard my boobs lactated Let’s Get It On every time they glanced my way, I still wouldn’t be able to get in a stationery cupboard and go gung-ho on the post-its.
Firstly, what if you get a post-it stuck to your unmentionables? What if you sit on the shelf where the staplers are kept and staple your knickers to your arse? What if you staple yourselves together? WHAT IF YOU STAPLE BOTH YOUR ARSES TO POST-ITS?
Unless the above paragraph wasn’t clear, I’m not going to set out reasons why you shouldn’t indulge in rumpy-pumpy at work with a colleague, but I just want to understand how, exactly, you'd do it.
You should be able to have sex anywhere that isn't in front of small children or a sign saying "If you have sex in front of this sign a vortex will appear and blow up the world". Free love. In stationary cupboards.
I admire ladies who are well up for a bit of 'pon scanner bonking (the fact I use "rumpy pumpy" and "bonking" shows how fun I am in bed) but personally find the concept totally terrifying for the following four reasons:
1. You have to arrange itI feel that you’re expected to just go into the cupboard, see fit Mark is already in there, catch a glance and realise you’re both mega up for it (because when you fancy someone you always stare at them in a sort of breathlessly aroused, highly obvious manner, apparently) and suddenly you’re not wearing trousers anymore.
The main issue with this is that it doesn’t happen or, if it does happen, it’s so rare you should write it in your diary and look at it often. What’s more likely is you’re already casually seeing this person and you decide to have sex at work because you think it’ll be fun/naughty/a bit “ooooooooooh”.
So you send a text/email being all “hey I’m hornier than a rhino with two extra horns located next to the original, traditional forehead horn. Let’s go into the stationary cupboard and get down to it” which is all well and good.
Then you have to check which cupboard is free - what if Jan’s in there making sure there’s an even spread of red, blue and black ballpoints? What if someone else is having sex in there? What if it’s locked?
So one of you must walk around and look for places to have sex - empty places with a good lock, spacious interiors, an arse-height shelf, some lighting- which is less aroused spontaneity, more flat-hunting. Have you ever gone flat-hunting? It’s crap.
2. It involves a lot of adminI hate admin of all echelons; from having to organise everyone during that make-or-break “let’s go on to somewhere else, oh the All Bar One is shut, let’s all stand around for ages not making any decisions” to setting up standing orders in banks.
I feel like the sort of spontaneous cupboard-sex we’re talking about here shouldn’t contain any forms of admin because FFS you’re already doing enough of that when actually working.
I suggest buying police tape and cordoning off a huge space around the cupboard. That way, you won’t be disturbed and colleagues intrigued by the thought of a crime scene won’t be standing next to the cupboard for your re-emergence. Alternatively, you could lock the door. Or tape it closed. Or ask a very nice friend to stand outside while you have all the fun.
3. The actual rumpy pumpyAfter all that, is it really going to be any good? Sure, it’s exciting if you enjoy nearly getting caught, and there’s that “hey I’ve seen this in films” vibe going on, but what happens if your boss stops outside the cupboard and talks loudly about wanting to check the red, blue or black ballpoint ratio himself?
If you’ve prepared then the chances of this are slim, but that would really put me off the fun part. And if it’s not fun then you’re essentially just having a sad time in a cupboard with no pants on.
Or what if they bottle it/get caught up with a sudden work related thing and you’re just standing in a cupboard for ages? How long do you wait? Ten minutes? Half an hour? The whole day?
4. AfterwardsOnce you’ve wiped down the shelves or whatever, you’re going to come out and walk straight into someone you know. It’s obviously going to happen. Or the paranoia of it happening will be so intense you’ll end up never leaving the cupboard and becoming one of those classic urban myths about the woman who lives among the Pukka pads with arms made of paperclips. You know, that classic myth.
Seriously, everyone is going to know you’ve done it which is great in a POWER TO YOU way, but embarrassing in a HEY SO THIS IS WHAT I LOOK LIKE AFTER SEX IN A CUPBOARD way.
Maybe I’m being overly neurotic, because I’m overly neurotic. Maybe I need someone to tell me, gently, how this sort of thing is done because perhaps I’m missing out on a great aspect to rumpy pumpy I never would have previously partaken in.
Have you had sex with a colleague? What was it like? Did any of the above apply or was it, like, the hottest thing that’s happened since the Sun?
Stevie isn’t having sex with colleagues on Twitter at @5tevieM.