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This is me. Without the Hollywood ending where everything works out in the end...
5 June 2007 - approximately 23 weeks
Went to see the midwife again today. Had a different one to before and she didn’t really seem to know what she was doing as she was new at the practice but all my bloods came back fine and my blood pressure was good.
She picked up your heartbeat but I only really got to listen to it for about a second and the she switched if off because she was on the phone. Grrrrr.
I wish I could be a little more assertive about what I want from my maternity care but it’s hard to speak up sometimes.
I have my next appointment in four weeks when I’ll be 26 weeks or so and that’s with the antenatal doctor who is apparently very nice so I will ask her the few (million) questions I have.
This evening Kate and I went to see a preview of the film Knocked Up. A couple have a one night stand, she gets pregnant and the film follows them thereafter. It made me laugh a lot but it also made me sad.
Of course, this being Hollywood they eventually worked their shit out and ended up together at the birth of their child. I can’t help wishing that was the end to our story too but life is not a film and I don’t hold out much hope really.
It made me really scared too, scared of doing this alone, but I know I’m not, not really. But friends and family aren’t the same as sharing it with the other half of your baby, the person that helped you create this amazing little creature.
I wish I had someone to hold my hand as we welcome you into the world. It’s weird but I know that if he doesn’t come through for us it won’t even really matter to me.
You’ll be the most important thing in my world and my love for you will always overshadow that for anyone else, though I’m sure it won’t stop me wanting to love and be loved by another man.
Hopefully someday, I will find someone worthy of us.
10th June 2007 Well, it’s the day after your dad’s birthday and he must have received the card and scan picture but I’ve had no contact from him.
I suppose in a way he’s respecting my wishes but I can’t help feeling that he gets off lightly this way. I mean, I may not have to deal with his shit but because there’s no one pushing him to confront all of this, he doesn’t have to deal with it.
It’s been nearly six weeks since the phone call and email cutting off contact. It’s actually gone really quickly but I still think about him more than I want to. I guess I need an answer to this more than I thought I did.
I don’t want to have to wait another four months and then have to deal with a new baby AND letting Dan back into my life. I just want to concentrate on you.
Plus, my hormones will be all over the place and I know they’re pretty crazy at the moment but I have some control over them at the moment (barely!).
But when I’m consumed with love for you and absolutely knackered from looking after you my defences are going to be shot to hell and I won’t be at my strongest.
However, one of the girls was like, ‘yes but you’ll love your baby so much, nothing else will matter. All this with Dan won’t seem nearly as important’.
I guess this is true. It’s very hard to look into the future and know; I need some sort of clarity now. I was thinking of giving him a couple of weeks to let the scan picture sink in. Mum suggested a couple of days. I guess I am just scared at the thought of contacting him even though I want it sorted.
Maybe I expect too much of people but I thought he’d have the balls to be a bit more proactive where his child is concerned. I’ll admit, I wanted him to contact me, for the scan pictures to have some sort of impact on him, to make him emotional and strong enough to want a part of this. Of you and me.
I guess a lot of this is still about me. In a perfect world I would love for this to all work out and for us to be a happy little family but I must be living in lalaland. THIS IS NOT KNOCKED UP, Veronica.
I said to mum I thought I would just let him know I was prepared to talk if he is feeling up to it and has come to terms with the reality of the situation and how we can move forward from here. She thought that was sensible. But I don’t know how to do it.
If I email he doesn’t have to reply, if I phone, it’s better but he doesn’t have to pick up. I would rather see him just so he’s faced with this bump.
I think I’ll give it until Thursday and then call him and ask if he would like to meet to get this on the road to being civil and sorted. I say this now but I’ll probably chicken out but I have to do something because I think about him too much, all of the time and I can’t quite move past it yet.
At least if I know he isn’t interested in knowing us at all I would take his numbers off my phone, block all his internet sites, hide all the letters he ever sent me; just purge myself of him.
I’ve done it to some extent but at the moment I’m still clinging on to a little bit of hope that he will come to see that he wants a part in your, our, life.
Next time: the shit hits the fan…