Should I Get Super-Emaciated For My Wedding? I Should, Right?

Do my nuptials even count if I look like I'm capable of lifting a champagne glass or cake knife with one noodle-like arm?
Publish date:
June 12, 2012
diets, weddings, weight gain

My pre-wedding diet: a single grape!

You guys, I just don't know if I'm ready for bikini season. I mean, I feel like I'm ready, but am I really really ready? Like, am I READY, psychologically, physically and emotionally, for the life-altering moment that it becomes officially warm enough to put on a bathing suit and step foot on a beach? AM I FREAKING READY?

I may never be sure! And if I'm not totally, 100 percent sure I'm ready for beach season, how can I ever be ready for my wedding, the one day of my life when it is most essential that I weigh less than a large toddler? I mean, do my nuptials even count if I look like I'm capable of lifting a champagne glass or cake knife with one noodle-like arm? When my bethrothed slips that wedding band on to my finger, is it official if it doesn't dangle uselessly from my withered digit?

Don't get me wrong; I am highly dedicated to having an exceptional and impressive figure, although my scope for such a thing is wider than the average fashion magazine's. The reasons are twofold: I want to impress and inspire unilateral sexual desire. But this is a lifelong goal, not a Wedding Day-specific one.

I wrote Wedding Day in all caps because it sounds like something some other grown-up has. Also because my connection to the idea that I am apparently going to have a Wedding is still pretty tenuous, although my boyfriend and I recently made a big decision to think about discussing it sometime soon, so.

I'm vaguely aware that there's a bunch of stuff we're supposed to do, and that all of it is very expensive and requires months of lead time. In my mind, it is a hazy, lacy, money-gobbling blur of stuff I plan to mostly ignore. There's nothing wrong with planning a lacy, money-gobbling wedding, but as someone who can barely remember to pull her hair out of the shower drain regularly, I'm well aware I don't have the aptitude for it.

No, as usual, I care only about how I look, and people can sit on the floor amongst dying bouquets of whatever, so long as they're gazing up at my fabulous ass.

Which, according to popular wedding wisdom, means I should already be on a diet. More than just the diet we're all supposed to quietly be on every day we spend trapped in these female bodies. A big super-important wedding diet!

I was reminded of this fact by another office engaged lady (we creepily travel in packs) who has been on a this strict Yoga body diet plan for what feels like EONS to me. (I have goldfish brain when it come to diets, like "Oh, look, a cookie!")

So I just IMed her to ask why she is so motivated to slim down for her wedding day, and she said the following:

"Because I wanted to look hot and I wanted people to be like -- wow she looks amazing. lol. I basically just want to be uber skinny. I can give a shit about what happens after."

Gotta admire her honesty. For the record, while she states that she was medically overweight for her height, she in no way ever read as "fat" to me. But it's about how she feels -- essentially, her wedding day is important to her and she wants to feel good about herself on that day, which for her means losing weight.

"I just want to feel so confident and amazing on that day," she says. "I don't want to put on my dress and feel fat."

That's uncensored shit, people. And since my basic platform as a human being is that people should be free to live how they wanna live, eyes on your own paper and save the judgments for the courtroom, I can accept it even if I don't fully understand it.

I do sort of get the pictures thing. You know, the all-important wedding pictures that I will lovingly gaze upon each day of my less important post-wedding life and that will serve as the template of my best possible self actualized?

But as Jane said when we discussed wedding diets as a possible article topic, "It's not like it's going on the cover of Time Magazine." Jane has a very healthy attitude toward wedding hooplah; she also says that she resents the pressure to glow on command. "On this specific date, you will glow," she said, shuddering. Actually, maybe what Jane has is extreme wedding-phobia.

But I have been viciously attacked by a cruel, lying picture before, so I understand the impulse to try to photo-proof your body pre-wedding. Also, though, I get my picture taken quite regularly, so I know that if you take enough pictures in nice lighting from good angles, you will be able to find some you're happy with.

I mean, having a photographer stand on a chair is so much easier than not eating delicous things. And hell, there's always PhotoShop. If you're just holding in your natural fatness long enough to have a wedding (immediately after which I imagine your buttons popping and richoceting around the honeymoon suite), isn't your body kind of a lie anyway? Why not skip the whole dieting step and lie with TECHNOLOGY?

I guess, ultimately, I just think the months leading up to the day I legally link my life with another person's should be a pleasant time, and I am never less pleasant than when I am consuming 1,500 or less daily calories. Given the choice, I'm pretty sure my fiance would choose slightly fat me over cranky dieting me until death do us part.

And after all, it's a day for both of us, to celebrate our commitment to each other, not just a chance for me to star in some strange lady-pornographic pageant of perfect womanhood. In the end, it's about love, not my love handles.

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