Top 12 Things I've Assembled, As The She-Hulk Handywoman of my House

My husband, a beard-y, burly, tattooed up maniac, wouldn't know a phillips head screwdriver if it poked him in the butt (and believe me, I've tried).
Publish date:
August 5, 2011
home, marriage, furniture, tools, electronics, irony

My 6 ft tall, burly, tattoo-covered husband previously offered his best friend $10 to change a toilet seat, which we all know only requires tightening 2 bolts. Mike may look like a club bouncer, but he’s Mr. Soft-Hands Chicago, 8 years running. Here's my top 12 mechanical accomplishments, as the actual butch one of the household:

12. 2 Toilet Seats

Like I said, possibly the easiest of home maintenance tasks, after changing a light bulb.

This had caused such panic in my dude’s past, he once pleaded with his best friend, a Ph.D. in ancient religions, to swap out the old one for a 10 spot. A spiritually fit Dr. Collins refused the cash.

At least Mike’s not one to pay a handyman/plumber $300 to do it. Dodged that bullet. I only charge undying love, unlimited sex and full rights to public humiliation via electronic media, as I see fit.

11. 100 Shower Curtain Liners

This is not so much difficult or technical as a pain in the nads, with all the rings and holes and whatnot.

I joyfully complete this act to keep us safe from tub-born diseases, especially since Mr. Me may or may not have contracted MRSA once shaving his armpits (?). Listen, I swear he’s very talented in many areas.

10. Shower Head (just normal, not masturbation specialty head or anything)

We rent, the old one wasn’t cutting it.

I faked my way through the 3 or so steps for installation, so he didn’t have to …. pay someone $45867 to do it (or wait for the landlord).

9. 2 Fake Eames Shell Chairs

4 screws each to attach the metal bases to the molded plastic seats.

My advice to the unhandy: put together something like this to impress people, especially other unhandy people you may want to sleep with. The chairs are classic, mod & chic and “I built those” appears more complicated than “those shipped requiring 2 pieces to be screwed together.” This is from my Screws 4 Screws charity I’m starting.

8. 3 Windshield Wiper Blades

Why 3? Well, these are not terrible hard to replace, but vitally important to replace correctly.

I had to pull over in a downpour to reattach one floppy driver's side blade I had installed days before while standing in 8 inches of rainwater. I can’t chide my honey too much for not manning up to the car-variety stuff; the oil change place may be in charge of wiper blade changing from now on.

7. 1 Car Headlight

I YouTubed a tutorial to walk me through this and felt like a superstar.

Time and money were of the essence, and my self-esteem shot through the roof. I hired a professional replace the roof.

*Mike claims to have replaced a headlight on his former Jeep. I’m inclined to believe him, but healthily skeptical. A child in street may have done it for $100.

6. 1 Desk Chair

Oh, we tried to pay the $7 to have it assembled in-store, but I needed it NOW.

The experience was so not bad that I’ve offered to put the same chair together for that guy in my bed. The directions were VERY clear, and the LUMBAR support, OH the LUMBAR SUPPORT!

5. 1 Metal CB2 Desk

A birthday present for my Gentle Giant.

What’s a little sweat between life partners when that desk is where the magic happens? The magic being his writing that, true to statistics and surveys, brings in the bigger bucks.

4. 1 Kitchen Island/Cart

I might cry a little thinking about this.

My kitchen cart has drawers and baskets and rails on which to roll these baskets and drawers back and forth, foldout chopping block extensions, wheels. Everything I ever dreamed of and just under like 30 hours to assemble. And I put a rail in wrong so one drawer falls out and I refuse to fix it.

3. 1 Full-size Gas Grill (and table top grill)

An instruction manual can teach a girl to build an insanely impressive gas grill, but it can’t teach her (or her husband) to cover it, remove it from the garage roof patio seasonally or protect it from turning into a three level wasp colony. Pity.

2. 1 Media Center/TV Stand, Created from 2 Night Stands

My crowning achievement.

Obsessed with finding the PERFECT media center and failing, I bolted together twin assembly-required cheapo Danish nightstands. I complicated things by adding, then removing my own wheels, but it is totally functional and I possess my very own drill now. SQUEEE!

1. 1000 Precarious Wires: Hooked Roku, DVR/Cable Box, Wii, DVD Player and Surround Sound Speakers up to TV

With the switch to the new TV stand, everything had to be disconnected then patched back in.

Aside from the hour of feeling like I had 3 minutes to find the red and blue wires to save a train-full of people from this bomb, not too traumatizing. Sure, I made things more difficult for myself by limiting the space in the TV stand to accommodate wires and not allowing 70 percent of the plugging area to be viewable while connecting, but I’m a total She-Hulk boss now.

Who puts stuff together in your house? Ever feel like Super Lady cracking out the tools?