The Great Online Dating Debate: Week Two -- 3 More Things I’ve Learned On Match.com

This has been one of the most enlightening experiences of my entire life.

Sep 6, 2012 at 11:00am | Leave a comment

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Hmmmmm.... I wonder if I can get one of these guys to take me back to Istanbul?

ICYDK, this online dating thing is hella time-consuming. I spend enough time online working; now I actually have to socialize and flirt and be charming on the web, too? Yeah, I didn't think this one all the way through. But a promise is a promise -- and I'm promising you all, my xoJaners, that I'm in it for six full months, unless I meet my soul mate (what does that even mean?!).

As for the update, I still haven't gone out on an actual date yet, but I have graduated to texting on my pay-as-you-go, completely untraceable phone with 5 guys. (Can't be too careful. And I'm such a slut!) Here's what I've learned from my inbox during week two.

1) Distance Is No Deterrent.

Riddle me this, fellas: If you and I aren't in the same city -- let alone the same country -- why, pray tell, are you messaging me? Are you after a few raunchy Skype or sexting sessions? As if. You're so wasting your time, dude. You'll get none of that over here.

2) Separated Is So NOT Single.

I get that men may feel like they're completely single when their marriage finally breaks down, but until you're actually holding your divorce certificate in your hand, don't bother signing up on for online dating, let alone messaging me. Out of habit, I read messages before I review profiles, so I've wasted a couple of minutes by the time I've realized that this greedy assclown is still technically married. That shit really chaps my hide. Like, what are the probable outcomes of willingly dating blokes that are legally still-hitched? 

  • He realizes it's cheaper to keep her.
  • He realizes it's cheaper to keep her.
  • Or, he realizes it's cheaper to keep her.

Yeah, PASS. Don't drag me into any of that.

3) Men Are Crazy, Too.

I thought I'd done some slightly crazy digital things before, but I have nothing on this dude. He's crackhead crazy. He doesn't even know my real name! Here's a few -- there were SEVERAL more -- directly copied-and-pasted messages from my first Match.com stage 5 clinger:

  • I may decides to relocate because of you. just for you to know that I really have interest in you. Why not try me to see who I'm. I enjoyed life to the fullness. Babe let's call its a date. I wish you can have fun with me. Sorry, what do you have for fun? Nice to hear back from you?
  • looking at your profile pictures brighten my moment, makes me smile. I want somebody that makes me smile. Your smile was like electric on me. Smiles makes a dark moment brighten!! Smiles enhances dates more lively like never before... I will do anything to makes you like a princess. Babe give me a trier!!!
  • I can't stop contacting you. I'm going crazy. I adore your smiles. That's enough for me. Just give the chances. Knowing me would definitely be a pleasure for you! Relationship start from somewhere. Elegance Beauty, since I saw your profile, I'm fused. Just give me one chance, I'm sure you will see the best of me. Okay let chat. l would be waiting for your tantalizing reply. 

(It's a good fucking day when you can work the word "tantalizing" into the conversation.)

I mean, it really, truly pained me to turn him down. And blacklist him. And report him. Psych! Not only is he illiterate, he's also thirsty. (In case you missed it, both were on my "oh, no, no" list.) I quickly nipped that shit in the bud and blacklisted him. I saw where this was going -- after all, you girls did tell me to trust my instincts. My gut says this motherfucker's a full-blown nut.

I'll check back in with you all on this adventure later, but for now I have a question for you -- actually, two: 1) Have you had your own online stage 5 clinger? Tell me, tell me, tell me! And 2) How do you feel about dating while separated? I've never been married, so I don't fully understand the dynamic here, but it definitely seems... wrong. In my opinion, it ain't over till it's over.

Peace out cub scouts. Feel free to holla at a playa on Twitter: @IndiaJewelJax.