You Must Be This Small To Ride This Ride; Speed Dating For Skinny Minnies

Are y’all expecting me to tell you how awful this is? I shall not disappoint! It is kind of totally gross! But not for the reasons you might be thinking.

So, I have this type, right? Two types, really. The stocky blonds I tend to have relationships with and the long-haired brunets that I, uh, have done other things with. Let’s not get too into that. But the point is, I’ve got this demonstrated preference for the people I’m interested in.

This isn’t a big deal. People have types. It’s a thing.

Also a thing? Speed dating. I think speed dating is kind of awesome -- but I’m a big honking extrovert who loves making small talk for 15 minutes at a go. Speed dating is also kind of fraught for women who don’t fit the mainstream mold -- whether that be because of weight or disability or tattoos. In some ways, speed dating is like clicking random profiles on OK Cupid and seeing if the law of averages is, for once, working in your favor.

To combat this, some speed dating places have themed events. They get a lot of people together who really dig the same thing. Perhaps you will bond with someone over a love of stamp collecting and want to bone. These are the love stories of our time, right?

But I think things start to get a little sketchy when speed dating events are organized to exclude certain body types. Like this event in NYC where they check your dress size at the door.

This speed dating event is organized so dudes can meet “skinny minnies” -- that means under a US size 8.

Are y’all expecting me to tell you how awful this is? I shall not disappoint! It is kind of totally gross!

But not for the reasons you might be thinking.

In fact, I don’t actually object to this.

Don’t get me wrong -- this actually is, despite the protests of the organizers, a hell of a shallow way to organize a dating event. Yeah, sure, they have dating events requiring men to be over 6’1” -- but those are shallow, too.

Anything that is organized around a single physical characteristic like that? Is actually shallow. Because if your only requirement for wanting to date someone is that they be tall, well… Listen, I’m not actually here to judge. I totally understand having a visceral physical response to someone.

That’s why one-night stands were invented.

Me and the hubs - he is just my type.

I just think there’s a pretty big difference between theming a dating event around an interest or activity and theming it around an arbitrary physical characteristic. Yes, physical attraction is important. But as Emily’s sex survey is demonstrating, it’s not uncommon for the frequency of boning to slow down once you’ve been in a relationship with someone for a while.

When that happens, it’s a damn good thing you’re both into stamp collecting -- you’ve still got stuff in common and hopefully you like each other!

If the organizers admitted the whole Skinny Minny theme thing was exclusionary and shallow, I think I’d have a lot more respect for them. I mean, why not own up to it? Yes, some dudes (because speed dating events of this sort are pretty hetereo) are so shallow that a woman’s clothing size is more important to them than anything else and they are willing to narrow their dating pool to ensure they don’t bring home anyone “biggie sized.”

Like I said, this is awful. Those dudes? Are awful. But they’re also doing me a favor.

Because when those dudes want to go to an event that checks your clothing size at the door? They are also removing themselves from my dating pool. And if that’s their idea of an important characteristic, well, good to know! Thank you for playing! You will not receive an invitation to the party in my pants!

And those women who are unwilling to date a guy shorter than 6’1”? Yeah, short dudes -- reserve those pants party invitations for someone who is actually going to be cool and interested in you for more than your vertical occupancy.

It is, in some ways, easy for me to say this. I mean, I’m married. To a (dirty) blond stocky dude. It isn’t like I radically veered off from my type, right? But looking at the dude who successfully tricked me into marrying him, well, what matters is that he is willing to plug things in for me because I am a little afraid of electricity. What matters is that we reference the same movies and think each others’ incredibly dorky jokes are funny. What matters is that we are both way to into watching everything about the Knights Templar Netflix has to offer.

It's like we actually enjoy spending time with each other and like each other or something!

It’s hard as really hard things -- fill in your favorite hard thing here, in fact -- to find someone worth the effort a relationship takes. The wider your pool, the better! Why anyone would actively decrease their odds of winning the relationship lotto by insisting on a certain dress size is beyond me.

Yeah, we’ve got types. But the magical thing about humans is that we are not actually limited to those types when seeking out a mate. Like, this isn’t a Wild Kingdom episode where we can only hook up with the male who has the brightest plumage. Some of us might not even LIKE plumage.

That metaphor ran a little off the rails. But my point stands. Dating events themed around specific physical characteristics are shallow and awful. And I still don’t have a problem with them existing because they save me a lot of trouble figuring out who I will never let stick it in me.

Bring on the stamp collectors.