7 Resolutions To Live My Life By In 2013, Featuring Salt

I salt everything, no matter how well seasoned it already is. When I have a stroke at age 35, you’ll know why.

Jan 1, 2013 at 12:00pm | Leave a comment

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New Year’s Eve, 2009. Me and my mate Lou, at the house party that DESTROYED our entire house and our BRAINS.

 

I’ve never been that big on New Year’s resolutions, although I’ve always made them.

Last year, and the year before, I decided I needed to stop eating as much salt. Now, if you’ve ever seen me eat in real life, you’ll know why I thought I ought to stop. I salt everything, no matter how well seasoned it already is –- I salt Chinese takeaway, I salt pizza, I salt pork crackling.

If I buy a shop-bought sandwich for lunch at work, I take out the tub of salt I have in the drawer in my desk, open up the sarnie, and salt it. I salt Supernoodles. Mmmm, salt. Needless to say, I have failed thus far on cutting my intake.

I am disgusting, and when I have a stroke at age 35, you’ll know why. You heard it here first! An xoJane exclusive. I’m a ticking sodium time bomb!

Other failed resolutions have been: To stop biting my nails. To write a diary, every day for a year. To stop smoking socially. To stop using Facebook. ALL FAILED (apart from one week where I did actually give up Facebook, and I thought all my friends would be ringing me off the hook, desperately worried, thinking I’d been eaten by Alsatians or that I’d joined a cult and shaved my head. Sadly, no one actually noticed apart from one mate who just rolled her eyes and told me to stop attention seeking. She had a point).

But you know what? 2013 is going to be MY YEAR. 2012 was great, although somewhat punctuated by my being pissed off with my pathetic gut, but, more than ever, I want to make the most of the year ahead. 

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According to my diary, May 2006 wasn’t great for me.

 

Here are my resolutions for the year ahead. I’d love to hear yours, in the comments. 

1) WORK HARDER.

I love my jobs –- both of them. I get to write, and express myself, and I get to dick about on the Internet for a company I love. I want to know in 2013 that I’ve worked as hard as I can. Now I am well again, I have no barriers, no excuses. The year ahead is the year that I work harder, push myself further and reach for goals that I’ve previously backed away from for fear of having to work too hard. I am going to write more, and believe in myself. THIS BITCH IS GONNA REPRESENT IN 2013.

2) GET MY DENTAL WORK DONE.

Eugh. I have been putting this off for five years. Five years of eating Haribo like they’re going extinct. Five years of teeth grinding in my sleep. Five years later, and I need two root canals, a crown and a fuck-ton of fillings and I need to MAN UP and get the work done and stop being a twat and ignoring the fact it needs doing. Yeah, it’s going to cost the same as a small family car, but it is now a priority. Fuck you, teeth! I’m going to own you in 2013.

3) TAKE MORE RISKS.

Three or four years ago, risks were my bag. Not big, exciting risks, like bungee jumping or whatever -- more meeting a ket dealer late at night with one other girlfriend in a dark street we didn’t know well. Seedy risks.

Now, the biggest risk I’m likely to take is getting the roast chicken out of the oven slightly early, or using the wrong type of flour when making cakes. GOD, I’M BORING. I’ve been putting things off that I’ve deemed too risky, like going to Rio (Favelas! Guns!) or flying to Australia (that’s 24 hours of flight!! 24 hours in a tin can in the sky!). But this year, I’m going to throw caution to the wind and say yes to more things, even if they scare me a little.

4) THROW SHIT OUT.

I’ve mentioned before my slight hoarding tendencies, and this year I am really going to make a concerted effort to keep on top of things in our flat, keep things tidy and THROW SHIT OUT. No, we don’t need last week’s Observer. And no, I probably don’t need that empty bottle of Cava, even though we drank it on a special occasion, like it was a Saturday or something. I don’t need all the crap I keep in the bathroom. I am going to strip back, and keep things minimal. (Or as minimal as I possibly can, which isn’t minimal at all but WHATEVER, these are my resolutions! Stop arguing with me, brain!)

5) VISIT THE HAIRDRESSER MORE OFTEN.

This is a shallow one, but we are allowed at least one of those, it’s the law. I get my hair highlighted about twice a year, and never cut. I am way too lazy, and always so ashamed when I actually do go to the hairdressers and they eye up my roots and do that head tilt, and say, “Well, we’ll have to get quite a few foils in there. Been a while, has it?” and I can tell that when they nip off to go and mix up the bleach they are BLATANTLY having a right old chinwag about the state of my barnet with the girl who sweeps the hair up.

Since I’ve been growing my hair, I’ve been ignoring scissors completely, but the other day I realized I actually look a bit like Wurzel Gummidge (Google images is your friend) and the ends of my hair are snapping off at a rate of knots. To the hairdressers I go!

6) MAKE MY SISTER NOT HATE ME ANYMORE.

This could be a bit of a tough one, seeing as she won’t actually communicate with me, but she did drop me off a load of nice Christmas presents for me over to my Dad’s house so she potentially still gives the tiniest shit. Hmm. Being an adult is tricky because if your sibling doesn’t want to hang out with you anymore, your parents can’t force them to, not even if they want to. I don’t want to spend the whole of 2013 not seeing her though, as was the case in 2012 and most of 2011. Come on, K, ring me! I don’t bite! (Probably.)

7) STOP GETTING THE RAGE WHEN CHRIS WATCHES "MATCH OF THE DAY."

I think I’m going to fail at this one.

So those are mine. What are yours? Should I add "stop eating so much salt" to that list? Does anyone actually ever manage to keep them all? I want success stories! Or failures. I’m not prejudiced!

I’m on Instagram and Twitter: @Natalie_KateM.