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I want what I want and I want it now!
If I have an idea, I’m the sort of person who needs to execute it right away. Whether it’s building one of my companies or one of my relationships, I tend to go after what I want and lock it down — fast! And I have to say, I’ve had everything and everyone I’ve ever wanted, but I also have to say that this isn’t always a good thing.
I’ve often wondered where I got this incessant need to have and have now, and when I think back, one particular story from my childhood comes to mind.
One Christmas morning, when I was about 12, I was awakened by the sounds of my two little sisters ripping open their gifts, screeching with excitement at the sight of each new toy. I couldn’t believe I’d overslept! I hopped out of bed and ran out into the living room to get in on the action. I tossed torn wrapping paper to the left and the right as I searched for a present with my name on it. I shoved box after box aside, each of them for my younger sisters.
My mother sat there, congratulating my sisters on all the gifts Santa brought them, never saying a word to me, never saying, “Good morning,” never saying, “Merry Christmas.”
I searched around the tree.
And I looked.
Nothing. Nothing for me.
With my heart sunken and my head hung low, I retreated back into my bedroom, closed the door, and cried. Then, I called a boy to make me feel better.
And he did.
He was an older boy who lived in the neighborhood, a boy we called 3B, because his first, last, and middle names all began with the letter B. He was a tall, slender, Puerto Rican kid from New York, and I called him my boyfriend. He was 17 and already a career criminal, but he was sweet with me, and every time I needed him, he was there.
So, that morning, I asked him to meet me on the playground, and like a genie pouring out of a bottle, 3B appeared.
In a matter of just a few hours, I was taught two things: how it felt to experience zero gratification, and how it felt to experience gratification in an instant.
Just as I know what it’s like to get nothing from your mother for Christmas, I know how it feels to be on stage, performing in the elementary school play you also wrote, feeling so proud of yourself, and looking out into the crowd hoping to see your mother — who never came. And it wasn’t just the one play; it was all of them. I know what it’s like to want something or someone so badly, and never, ever get it. My mother taught me from a very early age that I was not to have, that I would always be unimportant, and that every time I looked out into the crowd for support, I would never find it.
I went to live with my father when I was 16 and, in stark comparison to my mother, my father taught me that I could have whatever I wanted. He taught me that hard work, dedication, and concise planning and maneuvering could get me in the door, and that knowledge and a staunch way of communication would keep me in the room. He was and still is a shrewd, fast-talking businessman from New York. All my life, I’d heard that I was just like my father, and I always wondered if that was the reason why my mother treated me as poorly as she did. Maybe she always knew I’d amount to more. Maybe she always knew I was worthy of it. And maybe she always hated that.
Nevertheless, after moving in with my father, I never wanted to feel the way I felt back then, and my drive to obtain everything I wanted, and in short order, was born.
Fast-forward 22 years, and I’ve lived quite the life. I’ve been running around the world getting things done, creating and obtaining, having everything I want. But this takes me back to what I said earlier — having everything or everyone I’ve ever wanted hasn’t always been a good thing.
I’ve rushed into relationships and marriages, some of which I knew wouldn’t last long, but that never bothered me much. I have always wanted variety and the ability to choose and choose again. I have always dated and married much in the way the stereotypical man has. I want what I want when I want it, and when I’m done with it, I’ll just get another one. But as I’ve matured, I’ve grown just as bored with instant gratification, as I have with no gratification at all.
Now, I’m changing my modus operandi.
Part of that change shows itself in the planning and patience that has gone into the decision to have a baby. Neither my man nor I will be first-time parents, and we know all too well what it takes to raise children, starting with the physical, financial, spiritual, and emotional planning that we didn’t do back when we were having our other kids. But we are older now, and more aware of ourselves and the world around us. Parenthood is not something we believe we should just jump into, whether it’s our first or fourth kid. We want to be as prepared as possible.
Ours is an old friendship that has slowly blossomed into a very special kind of love, and with that love comes the practice of patience. The patience we have with each other is the same sort of patience we will have with our child, even within the space and time before our baby gets here.
We will have to be patient with or bodies, my body especially. Statistically, after the age of 35, a woman has a lower chance of becoming pregnant during any given month. At that age, a woman is considered high risk, which I think is bullshit, but there it is. Still, with a primarily organic, holistic, and active lifestyle, I am a very healthy 38-year-old woman. But there are a couple issues I need to look out for, issues that have contributed to miscarriages in the past.
First, there are the fibroids, three benign tumors just hanging out in my uterus. There are said to be several different causes of fibroids, and many reports contain conflicting information. But, what can be agreed upon is that fibroids are more common in black women and in women who started their periods at an early age. (If you’ve read my last post, you know I started my period at 10 years old and, obviously, I’m a black woman.) So, there’s that.
It is also said that an influx of estrogen may contribute to the development and growth of fibroids, while some reports claim both estrogen and progesterone contribute. Fibroids don’t necessarily create infertility issues, but can become a problem during pregnancy, depending on the location of the tumors. Fibroids are one of the reasons why we are taking our time and planning the timing of our pregnancy. It’s important that my fibroids are under control, that they have not grown larger in the past year, and that if they need to be surgically removed before conception, we give ourselves plenty of time to figure that out.
We’re visiting my gynecologist next week to get an up-to-date diagnosis. In the interim, he says there is no harm in drinking my daily maca root lattes, as maca root has been shown to balance estrogen and progesterone levels, and is said to assist in the shrinkage of uterine fibroids. I am also continuing to drink a combination of Raspberry Leaf and Moon Cycle teas, with the raspberry leaf (also in Moon Cycle) acting as an astringent, which causes shrinkage and contraction of external and internal tissue. This also makes it helpful in the diminishing of fibroids.
Other than fibroids, I have always been slightly anemic and, during pregnancy, I become dangerously anemic, often needing hospitalization. It has been recommended that I stay ahead of the dangers of pregnancy related anemia by making sure I get sufficient iron intake pre-pregnancy. So, I have incorporated more iron into my diet in a few ways.
One way is with my morning smoothie, made with almond milk, mixed berries, bananas, chia seeds, raw honey, and (most importantly) beets and a dark leafy green like spinach, kale or (my favorite) beet greens. This gives me an instant boost of iron and energy before my morning workout.
Anemia develops when your blood lacks healthy red blood cells, which carry oxygen through the bloodstream. Low iron equals low oxygen, and this is why the condition causes fatigue, dizziness, and even fainting. Anemia can also be linked to fibroids and its effects can worsen with heavy periods, which is another reason it was important for me to not only regulate but lessen the amount of bleeding during my periods, with the help of the maca root and teas. Fibroids cause heavy bleeding, so, with the balancing of my hormones and the taming of the fibroids, I’ve seen less bleeding, hence, less anemia related dizziness and fatigue during periods.
It’s all coming together.
I’m looking forward to our visit with the doctor next week. With his go-ahead, we plan to start trying to conceive after the pressures and stress of the holiday season.
In the meantime, and for the first time, I’m not rushing things. I’m not that little girl who’s afraid she won’t get her gifts this Christmas, because everything I manifest are my gifts. And I’m no longer worried about looking into the crowd and seeing no one there to support me, because I am enough. I don’t have to clamor for things or for people, rushing into situations, afraid I’ll lose my chance. I don’t have to because what’s mine is mine, and no one can stop me from obtaining and keeping what was rightfully mine all along.
I want what I want.
And I want it when it’s right.