I'm a Law Student, Not a "Professional Liar"

I'm learning how to be a professional manipulator of the facts and an interpreter of the law, but I will in no way become a bloodsucking scumbag attorney who just bills hours so I can buy another Porsche for my over-sized garage in my over-sized six-bed/six-bath house.

Sep 26, 2012 at 6:00pm | Leave a comment

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When I took this photo, I was in an Ann Taylor dressing room and I sent it to my mom with this message: "I'm sad, I'm all grown up now!"

As of July 2014, I should be a licensed attorney. That is, if I pass the dreaded troll-under-the-bridge guarding my entrance into lawyer-dom bar exam. I know, gasp. The "law student" title should impress the people I meet and the guys in my life, but my relatively new moniker often sends them sprinting/flailing/screaming and running/dismissively walking away in the other direction. Sure, they say congratulations and noncommittal things like, "Wow, that's impressive," but generally, the new direction I have taken inspires uniformly negative commentary. 

I have met enough people who will read me the riot act about becoming a lawyer, when they often (read: almost always) have absolutely no clue what the hell they are talking about. 

If you don't think becoming a lawyer is the correct life choice for anyone ever, you have probably snorted, laughed, and said the following things to a lawyer-in-training: that I will become a professional liar, that I will have to sleep my way into a partnership or a good job or a higher salary because I am a woman, that I will have to wear suits 24/7, that my life won't really be like the show Suits even though I pray to the Jew god for that daily (but who doesn't want to work with Harvey Specter?!!), that I will hate my life and become an alcoholic and/or kill myself one day, and that I will make six-figures or be forced to work as volunteer in public interest law.

Interestingly enough, the amount of money I will "totally make in the future" according to outsiders depends on how cynical/rude/jealous the commentator really is, or how much he wants to get in my pants. 

I won't lie (or maybe I will, ha!), I am learning how to use the law to help my future clients. I'm learning how to be a professional manipulator of the facts and an interpreter of the law, but I will in no way become a bloodsucking scumbag attorney who just bills hours so I can buy another Porsche for my over-sized garage in my over-sized six-bed/six-bath house. 

I will never sleep my way into a new office or a new job. I will probably have to wear suits 24/7, depending on my future job if I can find one. I hope I will not hate my life, I don't like alcohol that much, and I think suicide is dumb and selfish. I would run a mile around my house yelling and cheering if I landed six-figure job; I used to be a writer, so my entry-level job would have been about $40,000/year if I had continued working in New York City as more than a paid intern. All of these ditties are just silly preconceived notions people have about being a lawyer, even if some -- but hopefully not all -- of them become reality for me in the future.  

By the way, if the idea of bloodsucking attorneys turns you on a little bit, you should probably just look at yourself in the mirror and admit that you have a serious True Blood fetish; this should go without saying, but don't use that as a pickup line on anyone in the future. I will find you and sue your pants off if you use it without giving me the proper credit. JUST KIDDING!! Or am I?