How To Not Be a Dick at The Club

While you’re surely going to smell like an ashtray and be in denial the next day that you spent $30 on two drinks, you still can avoid being a complete dick at the club. Here’s how.
Publish date:
July 23, 2013
how not to be a dick, in da club, gogo dancer, bartenders, M

As a go-go dancer in a night club, I enjoy taking advantage of being a fly-on-the-wall and observing the crowd.

It’s incredibly entertaining to watch dudes unsuccessfully try to enter a group of gals only to be told “It’s girl night,” and then get shooed away. And although I sometimes am genuinely scared for the super-duper drunk people who look like they’re about to go into a coma or projectile vomit all over a bouncer, people watching is quite entertaining for the most part.

As a completely sober individual in a highly intoxicated environment, it also can serve as a reminder of what not to do when going out for a night in the town.

It may be true that most of the people who go the club -- at least in my experience working in Philadelphia and Atlantic City -- are generally dicks/psychos/should just stay in their parents’ basement for the rest of eternity, but some normal humans do venture out to these venues to be rubbed up on by horny twenty somethings.

And while you’re surely going to smell like an ashtray and be in denial the next day that you spent $30 on two drinks, you still can avoid being a complete dick. Here’s how:

Don’t Get Completely Shit-Faced, Just Kind Of Shit-Faced

No one, seriously not even your closest friends, wants to deal with you after three, let alone one, Long Island iced teas. Whether you’re the angry-drunk, emotional-drunk or multiple-personalities-drunk, you probably are being hard to deal with.

And, let’s face it, your friends came here to dance and have a good time and possibly find a guy to grind up on while pretending he’s Justin Timberlake. Don’t ruin it by forcing them to watch you twerking on the dance floor. Plus, you’ll risk the chance of being recorded on their iPhone, and then you’ll have to explain to your aunt who stalks you on Facebook why there was vomit crusted onto your shirt. And that leads me to:


I really don’t want to see your weird multicolored vomit (what are people eating these days?) next to my platform. If you can’t make it to the bathroom, man up and swallow your puke. If you can’t swallow your puke, don’t take that third fireball shot. Also, this will seriously decrease your chances of getting some.

Ask Before You Assume Someone Wants to Dance

Whoa, is that your penis grinding up on my butt that looks Beyoncé-good in the $100 pair of jeans I bought specifically for tonight? Cause I don’t remember asking for your grimy ass to mess it up with your premature ejaculation, so back the hell up.

Seriously dudes, and sometimes ladies, where have your manners gone? You can’t just sneak attack me from behind assuming I’m going to be okay with it. And you’ll have much better chances if you ask, or you know, even introduce yourself.

Look Where You’re Going

We’ve all been there. You’re walking through the bar or club, minding your own buisinss, and BOOM. Some asshole spills his PBR on you because he couldn’t help but to be texting, drinking and staring at some girl’s ass at the same time. See those two hands you have? Use them to carry your drink like a responsible human being.

Tip Your Hardworking Bartenders

Nothing makes you more of a dick than taking your drink without leaving a tip. I’ve never personally been a bartender, but I can imagine that serving drunken people all night while they shout orders is beyond exhausting. These people deserve to get paid for their outstanding tolerance.

Don’t Do Drugs, Kids

Yes, the whole doing ecstasy thing while wearing a rainbow tutu thing is going on right now, but that doesn’t mean you should be popping pills like candy, especially not at a nightclub. For one, you’re totally obvious. I mean, I’d at least hope you’re on something when your pupils are popping out of your eye sockets, and you’re staring at some dude with glow sticks like you just saw God. And you’ll probably get dehydrated and sloppy and have a total freak-out, claiming that the DJ is out to get you by not playing your favorite song.

Avoid Publicly Arguing

Sure, I’d be pissed too if my boyfriend was staring at another girl while I was dancing with him, but try to refrain from throwing your very expensive drink in his face in the middle of the dance floor or bawling your eyes out while sitting in the corner of the club. Please wait until you get home before you tell him he’s a giant asshole and that your ex actually is better in bed.

And if you’re super mad at your friend for leaving you alone for two minutes to order a drink, don’t throw a temper tantrum and tell her you’re going home. Be rational. Going to the club is not your audition for a reality television show.

I’m assuming most of you guys aren’t ever dicks at the club. But maybe one of your friends is. Maybe you want to help out someone at the club who is being a dick. Or maybe you think that it’s kind of fun to be a dick at the club sometimes. I have to admit, work would be kind of boring if no one ever did it.