This isn’t a joke. I mean the title is funny; I laughed when I wrote it. I even found myself laughing when I wrote the pitch for my editors and hit send, but I assure you this is a serious situation.
I have a good friend and co-worker who almost always smells like poop. It’s a huge bummer. She’s really cool, smart, fun to be around, and smells like shit 90% of the time. Sometimes she shows up in the morning reeking, and other times she starts off smelling OK, but will end up smelling like shit hours later.
She didn’t stink when I first met her. She’s always been a large gal, but has continued to gain weight over the years, and I’m literally starting to think that she has gained so much weight that she is not able to properly wipe her own ass. I’m not bashing on fat people; I’m fat myself, and I have an eating disorder and have struggled with it my entire life, but I think that her weight gain could play a part in this stinky situation. Or maybe I just didn’t notice she smelled when I met her, or maybe I was in denial in the beginning. I honestly don’t know how to explain it, but I don’t remember her smelling like poop when we first became friends and started working together.
Several times a day, she heads into the office bathroom, and is in there for a long time. Then when she comes out, the smell of shit wafts through the entire office. She crop dusts the office with the smell of her own shit as she walks back to her desk. She sprays air freshener, tons of it, but all that means is that you are hit in the face with the smell of horrible human shit, and then bitch slapped by the smell of the disgusting 99-Cent Store chemical air freshener. I honestly don’t know what’s worse. I think I’d rather just smell the shit, as horrible as that sounds.
I feel like she must know she smells, because she also wears a ton of perfume. It doesn’t mask her poop smell at all, it just mixes with the poop smell to create a disgusting poopourri smell that literally makes me feel ill.
The first few times I noticed it, I was very discreet. I mean we all have bad days. I’ve stunk up the office a few times in my life, and the last thing I would have wanted was for someone to make a big deal about it, but this has now been going on for over a year.
One time our boss had a pool party at his house after work, and she came over smelling like shit and went into the pool. I couldn’t go into the pool once she was in there. All I could think about was her poop-covered ass, and how those poop particles were now in the pool. I kept thinking that if I went into the pool, I’d have her poop particles in my eyes, my ears, my nose, my mouth, in my hair and covering my body. What if particles of her poop got into my vagina? Could I get a yeast infection? I know this is horrible, but this is what I was thinking about. Nobody should have to think about someone else’s shit this much.
Now before you start dispensing advice, or judging me, you have to know that I’ve tried many times to let her know that there is an issue with the way she smells sometimes. Once, while sitting at the conference table working on a project together, I sniffed the air and said, “Do you smell poop?” She instantly kicked her shoes up, looked at the bottoms and said, “Not me,” and went right back to work on her computer. Another time I said, “Woah, something stinks. Do you smell poop?” And she sniffed the air and said, “Not me” then blamed the office dog for farting and followed up with, “I pride myself on always smelling good.”
Another time I tried this approach, “Sometimes you have a very strong odor that is overwhelming.” She immediately said, “Oh my God, I’m so sorry. I will stop wearing this cologne. I didn’t realize it was offending you.” Then she switched to a new horrible perfume.
One time I posted this video on Facebook, hoping she’d see it and maybe consider ordering one.
I have a twisted sense of humor so it wouldn’t be unusual for me to post something like this on Facebook. She “liked” the post and left a comment about how funny it was.
I’ve talked to friends about the situation. One suggested I mail an anonymous letter, others have told me to just tell her. Better to hear it from a friend than a stranger, but I can’t bring myself to do it. I can’t bring myself to look her in the eye and tell her that she smells like poop on a regular basis. One time she was complaining to me about being single and wondered if her weight was the issue and I wanted to say, “It’s not your weight, you smell like poop and no guy wants to fuck a girl who smells like poop no matter how funny, cool and awesome she is.” I didn’t though. Not because I don’t love her or respect her, I just don’t feel like I should have to tell another full-grown adult that they need to learn to wipe their own ass better.
Seriously, I do not know what to do here. Can you help me, xoJane?