Crowdsourcing My Gigolo: Help Me Pick Which Escort to Hire -- and What Fantasy To Act Out; It's Up to You, Internet

I've decided to hire a gigolo. Again! This time I plan to hire someone who I actually think is HOT. Help me pick?

Jan 31, 2013 at 11:00am | Leave a comment

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This is my "Sophie's Choice" you guys.

I got an awesome email from a reader a while back. After I wrote about some of my darker fantasies, she told me she had a very out-of-the-ordinary suggestion.

Go professional, bitch.

Yes, she told me, employing gigolos from Cowboys4Angels helped heal many of her dude issues in a way that she never dreamed possible.

I hired a gigolo once before for The New York Post, but he looked a little too much like, as Joy Behar pointed out, the Octo-Mom for my taste. Not that there's anything wrong with that. The Post gigolo experience I can sum up by saying -- as has become my line -- that I let him finger me for two seconds while I gave him a half-hearted hand job and interviewed the shit out of him.

You know.

AS JOURNALISTS DO.

Seriously, though, that gigolo was way too mommy issues for me. I mean, I'm the one who wants to have daddy issues. Hello.

So now that I'm going Gigolo: Round 2, I'm wondering which guy to pick from Cowboys4Angels, the company that offers the male escorts I'm going to choose from here in New York.

But I want your help. Seriously. Crowdsourcing. Collective intelligence. All that. There are a bunch of hot male escorts. And I've neatly posted them below for you to choose the right guy for me.

I did get this one bit of inside info. Cowboys4Angels owner (and retired gigolo, natch) Garren James told me: "I hope they pick Trent for you. Stud! They are all actually great, or I wouldn't hire them."

Then, when I asked if I could quote him on that, Garren wrote back: "Of course. You can also use this... I'm very upset that I'm retired as I would have loved to been up for the task of seeing you personally Miss Sexy Mandy!"

Oh, Garren. Baby. You single?

Anyway, now for the really fun part.

Think of it like "Choose Your Own Adventure -- Gigolo Edition."

GO!

1. Trevor

• Height: 6'2

• Weight: 215

• Age: 30

• Hair Color: Brown

• Eye Color: Blue

BIO: "This tall dark and handsome athlete was born in Canada and moved to the US when he was 5. He studied business and marketing. His interests are wine making, car racing and music. He is down to earth, outgoing and optimistic. He has a great sense of humor and loves to have fun. He can find happiness in every situation."

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2. Dylan

• Height: 6'2"

• Weight: 180

• Age: 30

• Hair Color: Brown

• Eye Color: Blue

NO BIO

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3. Austin

• Height: 6'1"

• Weight: 200

• Age: 34

• Hair Color: Brown

• Eye Color: Blue

No Bio

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4. Jonathan

• Height: 6"

• Weight: 170

• Age: 29

• Hair Color: Brown

• Eye Color: Green

No Bio

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5. William

• Height: 6'4"

• Weight: 230

• Age: 25

• Hair Color: Brown

• Eye Color: Hazel

BIO: "William is an intellectual, college-educated, charming gentleman with a huge smile and very warm personality. His strong, mature, protective side is derived from his successful, undefeated career as a mixed martial artist. As a current fitness & underwear model, he resides in the heart of Manhattan and enjoys traveling, nature, networking, living a healthy lifestyle and working on his unbelievably unique, chiseled physique, in which he maintains close to no body fat. William is a very down to earth, giving, passionate, superb conversationalist that will make you feel comfortable within seconds of meeting him. His adoration for women is unparalleled."

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6. Trent

• Height: 6'3"

• Weight: 215

• Age: 33

• Hair Color: Brown

• Eye Color: Green

BIO: "Come and take a bite out of the apple with Trent who was born and raised in New York City! He loves to travel and staying physically fit. He is always looking for the next adventure."

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7. Darren

• Height: 6"

• Weight: 195

• Age: 30

• Hair Color: Brown

• Eye Color: Brown

BIO: "Darren is a model, born and raised in Queens, NY. He also lived in Virginia and South Carolina and has a hint of that charming, southern hospitality. He later moved to Long Island and excelled in football and track. Darren attended Briarcliff College where he studied graphic design. He loves hiking, bike riding and hits the gym as hard as he can. He loves the adventure of traveling and meeting new people. Darren is a stunning, professional who isn't afraid to take chances in life."

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Picked the guy you like for me? Perfection.

Now for my SECOND crowdsourcing question.

What fantasy should I do with this guy? As I've written about before, my standard schtick is super-dirty play where I get called a slut and all that boring jazz. Fine. Whatever. Yawn.

But I'm wondering if maybe I should use this opportunity to see if I can get turned on through, oh say, not the usual I'm-a-naughty-little-slut song and dance. Totally nothing wrong with all the bad, bad girl stuff. I mean, it's pretty usual "My Secret Garden" crap, actually. I just think in this case -- especially since it's a "professional" situation, I want the whole thing to be what I might call pure "ego cunnilingus." Not actual pussy eating to be clear. THESE MEN ARE ESCORTS. They are escorting me. You know. Keeping me company. Or whatever.

Anyway. Ego cunnilingus. So I came up with that term after coining the term "ego blow job." Which I coined after a man I had an affair with was so all about me inflating his ego that it seemed he was into that almost as much as anything that happened in bed.

One time, as we had sex, he breathed: "Did you think about me all day? Did you? You did didn't, you? Tell me you thought about me all day."

And of course I writhed around and was all like, "Oh yeah, baby, yeah I did."

That, my friend, is an ego blow job.

Maybe it's my turn. How fun would it be to have my PRO basically tell me how awesome I am -- every single inch of me -- the entire time as he does whatever escort tricks of the trade he specializes in?

So, here are my options I want you to choose for me, fantasy-wise.

1) The usual oh I'm a dirty schoolgirl bullshit. "Look I'm so bad I can't get enough, oh yeah, baby, blah blah blah." Huh. Maybe I'm more over this routine than I thought. You know...it's just like a Honda or something. Very dependable.

2) An elaborate seduction where from start to finish the guy is paying me compliments from beginning to end, FINALLY FILLING UP THAT GAPING HOLE INSIDE.

Spiritual hole. Obviously.

Also: If we go with this strategy (my favorite, I'm biased), should it be, like, impromptu compliments ("Mandy you look so beautiful in that tasteful and understated lace American Apparel bodysuit you're wearing.") or well-researched compliments ("Well, Mandy, to quote one of my favorite articles of yours from xoJane, my favorite Web site...") or a combination of both?

Shit, maybe I should give him a primer beforehand -- to study up? A few actual lines to sprinkle in? I had one guy I dated, who when he could tell I wasn't satisfied with his courtship, he would simply say, as an actor might: "Line...?" Cute, to be sure, but not really GIGOLO-worthy, if you feel me.

3) Some fun role-play thing. Like, er, doctor and patient? Cheerleader and quarterback? Manti Te'o and Lennay Kekua?

4) All the role play things! I could use this game that I bought a while back called "Let's Play Doctor" from Babeland that's like a boardgame thing but all my conservative boyfriends never wanted to play it with me. BOO THEM. BOOOOOOO.

5) Furries? 

6) S&M. Like I'm in a collar under a desk -- or he is? And then I'm in full-on dominatrix gear. Hm. I'm usually way sub -- as many alpha chicks often like to be -- but I bet with a fucking gigolo I could get pretty damn dom.

7) Romance. Like rose petals. Poetry. Candles. Vom. JK. SOUNDS FUCKING GREAT!

8) Act out a movie scene. Like say "9 & 1/2 Weeks"?

9) Act out a TV scene. Pretend I am Detective Olivia Munson from "Law & Order"! The escort is the bad perp! Or Ice-T. YEAHHHH.

10) Prom king and queen. A fucking tiara and corsage, motherfucker. BRING IT.

Got your favorite fantasy for me to do? Great. Favorite dude? Rad. Okay team XO, let's make history.