I Am Going to Throw My Asshole Cat in the Ocean

Every morning, at 4:30 am, like clockwork, my stupid effing cat starts mrowling and screeching like a banshee.
Publish date:
February 15, 2012
pets, cats

Every morning, at 4:30 am, like clockwork, my stupid effing cat starts mrowling and screeching like a banshee.

Most of the time I really like the guy. He's orange, he's soft, he has a swirly little thumbprint pattern on his head -- what's not to enjoy? But at 4:30 am, in the midst of his vocal onslaught, the boyfriend and I start imagining creative ways to dispose of him.

"I'm gonna throw him in the ocean," I moan, to which he respods, "Good! I hate him." It's a testament to the boyfriend's good heart that he usually can't let the statement hang longer than a few seconds before he hastily adds, "I don't really hate him. I love him."

Not me. In that moment, I really hate my cat. After 30 minutes of his screeching, toe-biting, and scratching his nails down any clawable surface, as I angrily force myself out of bed to feed him, I am seriously hoping to encounter a serious cat buyer on my way to the kitchen.

"I traded him for some magic beans," I say as I crawl back into bed," or "I sold him to some old witch I met in our living room."

Sometimes, he eats his

quarter cup

, in about 5 seconds, then returns to continue his onslaught.

And, look, I know you're all gonne be like, "By getting up and feeding him, you're perpetuating his behavior," but ignoring him does not work. He's from the streets of Bed-Stuy; he doesn't mess around. If he doesn't get a response, he'll climb on top of the dresser and start knocking things off one by one, or he'll stand in the middle of my boyfriend's chest and yowl directly into his face. If you shut him out of the bedroom, he'll scratch and cry at the door ceaselessly for an hour.


he's on a diet

, I can't feed him extra at night. He gets one quarter cup in the morning and he's already howling for his second one when I get home from work. No way he'd make it until we go to bed.

Has anyone successfully cured morning assholism in a cat? And what's the biggest asshole thing your pets do? Jimbo likes to look right into my eyes as he destroys something I love. Alternately, does anyone want to buy a cat? I accept magic beans.