I woke up all throughout the morning, starting at 1 am, with these nightmares about leaving Charlotte in dangerous situations that I didn't know were dangerous but I should have had her with me.
Last night when I got home from work, Charlotte was with the sitter and had her dinner and laptop in front of her and didn't look up from the laptop to say hi to me and didn't want to talk. I have gotten this from her the three times this week that I didn't pick her up from school and instead came home after work when it was dark out. When she was little, I never worried about leaving her to go to work or coming home from work whenever I came home but now there has been a good stretch of time where I was the one picking her up every day and making her dinner, and now she can assess these things differently than she did when she was 2 or 3, and it is harder to transition back. Most women (yes? true?) seem to have this pull when they go back to work after maternity leave, but I don't remember feeling it so acutely then.
Then I got up to pack her lunch and make her breakfast and, before waking her up, I called my boyfriend (he is on the West Coast and is usually going to bed when I am getting up) and talked to him about why I have this need to take on this new project, why I can't just let it be that I started this cool different magazine, Sassy, and then this less-revolutionary but still good magazine, Jane, and then I went on to have a daughter and teach (something I've always wanted to do) and have a nice life. Because I still have stuff that feels important to say and things that I think can be made better by bringing women/people together. And because a half hour ago, I found my Beauty Editor and she is different and she rocks.