Jane Pratt, Worst Mom In The World: Elf On A Shelf Edition

It's not every season that such a PERFECT concept for my Worst Mom In The World series is handed to me on a silver platter like this. So let's see how many ways we can come up with to torture this little creep!
Publish date:
December 20, 2013
worst mom in the world, elf on a shelf

So the other day in that store Bed, Bath and Beyond, where I invariably find 15 things I NEEEEED [most especially all of those as-seen-on-TV items of which I am now the proud owner: dryer balls (which work), produce fresheners (work), and yes, a wax vac (doesn't work)], Charlotte convinced me to buy the book and the little scary doll combo that is the Elf on a Shelf. (I made her promise to pay me back for it and when we got home, I took every penny of the 29.99 price back from her PLUS TAX. Well, she's the one that wanted the thing.)Though I never bothered to read the accompanying book, I kind of get the concept: Parents convince their kids to behave leading up to Christmas with the idea that this creepy-faced elf is in the house watching whatever they do and tattle taling to the parents at night. Or something creepy like that.But to threaten kids into not being brats and doing what they are supposed to do anyway, every morning before the kids wake up, the parents have to place the little freaky-faced thing (we got the "girl" version, as you can tell by her earrings, but both genders have that weirdass half smile and the eyes throwing shade to whichever unfortunate is on the elf's left) into a different spot where it supposedly flew overnight. Did you get that the parents are supposed to go through with this charade by setting up the elf in a new scenario every single night?

Some good moms take this game really impressively far. There is no way in hell I am making little miniature pancakes for breakfast or handing out theater tickets with popcorn and giving that little elf the credit for it. I am still making sure that to get retroactive credit for all those gifts from Santa I gave Charlotte all those years. ("Look at that fancy tricycle in the picture! You know who really gave that to you now, right??")

I kept placing the elf-lady on the floor hoping the dogs would chew it, as they chew everything, but even they rejected it. (Olivia just showed me this of some luckier family than mine.)

So I murdered the thing last night and here's what was there in the morning for Charlotte to find. Don't you like it?

But now I'm in this trap of coming up with better murder scenes each night, so any ideas for that very welcome. Fortunately Charlotte, very much my daughter, offered up a bloody napkin from a nosebleed and a double-amputee Barbie doll for me to work with tonight. But I still have a few nights left with this monster. So yes, ideas welcome. Or just tell me how creepy you think these are or why you secretly like them. Or anything else tangentially related that you want to say.