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Real life papier-mâché face/headmask still to come. Also, sorry for saying ‘papier-mâché’- I only just found out how to do accents on my keyboard
Like pretty much everyone else I know in London, I have been pretty apathetic (read: openly hostile) towards the Olympics in the past few weeks/months/years.
My morning commute is sweaty enough, and I did not relish the idea of quite literally climbing onto a Victoria line train and sustaining multiple laptop injuries (just to clarify: I have a very thin laptop, which I rarely have in a case. As such I quite regularly slice my hips on it whilst carrying it like a child. This is not a joke).
There were other things I didn’t like about the Olympics. I had some significant post-Jubilee concern that the BBC Olympic coverage might mean that my regular viewing was laced with the cast of the One Show.
I didn’t like the ‘brand police’ going totally mental and cutting off shopkeepers’ hands for unlicensed use of the word ‘gold’ within a 1000-mile radius of the stadium (or something like that. I also felt that the Olympic Mascots looked inexplicably like sinister one-eyed plastic penises and was baffled as to why they seemed to be wearing shag bands (remember shag bands? The best).
Add to all that the confusion that I think we all feel when looking at Tom Daley’s head vs. body and my overall Olympic excitement registered at about zero.
Is he an infant, or is he a man?
But something happened at the start of this week. It was…embarrassing. And by embarrassing, I mean magical and life affirming.
I was on the bus thanks to tube overcrowding, sitting still in Olympic lane-related traffic, and it just hit me: The Olympics are fucking baller and I’m so excited and everyone should be excited because it’s all hella-fucking-balls-to-the-wall awesome.
At first I thought these emotions would wear off. Like my recent and passionate love for ABC’s Revenge (A quick aside: has anyone else seen Revenge? It is utterly ludicrous and has Eric van der Woodsen in it). I thought that after 2-3 days of googling and expounding its virtues, I’d realise it was totally shit.
Needless to say, it didn’t. I can safely say, five days into Olympic Fever, I am (if anything) more feverish now than when it began.
What brought about this sea change?
I think the first trigger might have been the Olympic takeover on iPlayer. I am not one to watch programmes about athletes, but if iPlayer recommends it, I’m sold.
Thus, in the past week, I have watched documentaries on Usain Bolt, Tom Daley, Victoria Pendleton, and ‘The Race that Shook the World’. Watching these told me two things.
One, I will happily watch almost anything as long as it is easy to stream.
And two, that athletes are AMAZING and work ACTUALLY quite hard (relative to my own one-sit-up-one-oreo workout regime). And some of them are highly attractive (yes I was reading ryanseacrest.com, yes that picture on the right of James Magnussen is the best thing my eyes have seen today).
Then I heard abut the Opening Ceremony. Let’s get one thing straight: the Opening ceremony sounds brilliant, and will feature a 40ft V****mort, as well as the forging of a ‘ring of fire’ and a celebration of the NHS through ‘dancing hospital beds’.
It’s as if Danny Boyle climbed into my head, pulled out my dreams, and made them real.
I also “accidentally” subscribed to the ‘Olympic Playlist’ on Spotify, and a constant stream of Queen, Bruce Springsteen and the ‘Olympic song’ by Muse(?!) finally cracked me. Who hired Muse to do this song?
What would be ideal would be if NO-ONE asked them and they had just DONE it because they loved the Olympics.
Like when no-one asked Daniel Bedingfield to sing on that Band Aid single but he just found out the date from Natasha Bedingfield and just WENT ALONG.*
Anyway, the Muse song is 100% ridiculous, and features lyrics like “Race/Life’s a race/That I’m going to win”. The complete absurdity of it is absolutely brilliant.
Bedingfield!! I know this image is hideously low-res, but it’s SUCH a treat.
I even came to love the mascots. Who, by the by, are INEXPLICABLY called “Wenlock” and “Mandeville”.
I had a little snoop around their website and you can even make your own version of the cheeky phallic fellas. My (rather successful?) attempt can be found here.
THE OLYMPICS ARE GOING TO BE AMAZING. I haven’t been this excited since the Quidditch World Cup.
*I can’t guarantee that this is actually what happened, but someone told me that was what happened, and it’s probably my favourite story ever.