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GOOD NEWS! While it often seems that nothing is sacred when it comes to sexy Halloween costumes -- and that this is simply a truth we must all grow begrudgingly to accept this no matter how it makes our face do that flames thing --Sesame Street Workshop, at least, is trying to preserve the dignity of your childhood by sending the kings of slutty costumery, Yandy.com, a cease and desist letter in response to the latter’s Sexy Big Bird offering.
With the drop-waist style, this is sort of what Big Bird would look like as a 1920s flapper. A FLAPPER. GET I-- oh, never mind.
There’s actually two sexy Big Birds, it turns out. This one has mesh cutouts in the dress.
As of this writing, Yandy.com has neither ceased nor desisted with the Big Bird sex, although there's no knowing how long they can hold out against the forces of PBS.
Because I am a terrible killjoy, this development got me thinking about other childhood characters that now have dubious Halloween costumes patterned after them. Big Bird isn’t even the only Sesame Street character undergoing the sexy treatment.
There’s also sexy Bert and sexy Ernie, meeting the needs of those who have long thought to themselves, in their most private moments: I wish Bert and Ernie had boobs. And pert asses. And were adult ladies. And that I could masturbate while thinking about them.
In an oversight that is frankly inconceivable, the item description for the Ernie costume fails to capitalize on the OBVIOUS rub-her-ducky joke.
There is also a sexy Oscar the Grouch, although I find the incongruity of sexifying a monster who lived in a garbage can and collected trash while openly hating pretty much everyone else on the planet pretty appealing, if I'm honest.
But there’s more. Even your fond memories of old-school Nintendo games don’t escape unscathed. I mean, if you're old. Like me.
The sexy Mario and sexy Luigi costumes come with mustaches, in a friendly nod to hipster culture. They’re mustaches on sticks, though, because within the narrow gender confines of what qualifies as Halloween Sexy, sticking a mustache to your actual face is probably not advisable.
OK, so "Finding Nemo" came out more than a decade too late to TECHNICALLY be a part of my own childhood, but it’s part of SOMEBODY’S childhood. It is, indeed, a film that reaches a tender tentacle down into the inner child of most humans. It’s also a movie about a small fish. There is no sex in it. I mean, could there be a sexy costume that is any more random?
Apparently yes. If you asked me to make a list of the least-sexy Warner Bros cartoon characters in order of least-sexiness, Marvin the Martian would probably top the list. I think Elmer Fudd is probably sexier than Marvin the Martian.
There is no sexy Elmer Fudd costume though. I checked.
Um, Sexy Rosie the Maid. Remember Rosie the robot maid? From the Jetsons? For those of you too young to remember this Stone Age cartoon, Rosie was a dumpy robot literally built like a refrigerator. Poor Rosie. This enforced sexualization of robots CANNOT BE ALLOWED TO CONTINUE.
The included purse is really cute though, in spite of the inexplicableness of the suggestion that Rosie would be carrying around her own head.
I wrote a fairly extensive report on non-sexy Amelia Earhart in the sixth grade and I don’t remember ANYTHING about a persistent refusal to wear pants.
Yes, that is a sexy Sherlock Holmes costume. Even as a child I was a huge nerd, and while my friends were devouring novels in The Babysitters Club series, I was reading Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s iconic detective. And like, daydreaming about marrying him. Even though he hated ladies. Possibly BECAUSE he hated ladies.
Holmes’ misogyny probably makes this costume ironic somehow but I’m too distracted by the model’s lustrous hair extensions to figure it out.
This is a sexy giraffe. I’m including it because the item description refers to it as including a fully boned corset and my involuntary response was to go, "HA HA, ‘FULLY BONED,’" because I really am still 12 years old on the inside. I’m not proud.
At what point does sexy Halloween cross over the line from funny and cute into creepy? HERE IS THAT LINE, sitting squarely at the Little Miss Supreme Beauty Pageant costume, which appears to be a costume for adult ladies to wear that makes them look like a child pageant contestant. I guess you could argue that this is a Honey Boo Boo reference but all I see when I look at this picture is murdered child pageant star JonBenet Ramsey and it’s making me feel really gross.
And just to be fair, I don’t actually hate every sexy costume I find. I just have more fun complaining about the ones I do. But for those who need me to say something nice for once, here is a sexy honey badger costume. It is hilarious in the way that only a costume based on a nearly two-year-old internet meme can be. I hope that helps.