YOU LADIES READING THIS ARE TOO DUMB TO THINK FOR YOURSELVES, SO SOME POLITICIANS ARE HERE TO HELP

There, there -- it's going to be okay. Don't worry your pretty little head about anything.

Jul 15, 2013 at 9:00am | Leave a comment

GOOD NEWS, WOMEN OF EARTH! THESE MEN WILL BE MAKING ALL DECISIONS ABOUT YOUR UTERUS FROM NOW ON:

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Ohio Gov. John Kasich signing new abortion regulations into law. Photo via Brooke Lavalley, Columbus Dispatch.

 
That’s Ohio Gov. John Kasich and his cronies signing the absolute worst anti-woman, anti-abortion legislation ever to exist into state law just 2 weeks ago. These new abortion regulations in Ohio include the standard un-scientific “fetal pain” clause that is currently sweeping the country like Beatlemania, which restricts women from obtaining an abortion after 20 weeks -- as well as language that bans hospitals from granting abortion providers patient transfer privileges.
 
The only problem? Said privileges are required to operate an abortion facility in Ohio in the first place. The net result? Abortion providers in the state are guaranteed to be forced out of business as result of rigged legislation. 
 
But that’s not even the worst part. 
 
The new law in Ohio also now dates the age of a fetus to when the woman had her last menstrual cycle, which is actually weeks before ovulation. This specification, when coupled with the current Ohio code, which classifies abortion as “The purposeful termination of a human pregnancy by any person, including the pregnant woman herself, with an intention other than to produce a live birth or to remove a dead fetus or embryo” means that women could be subject to a forced ultrasound as well as a 24 hour waiting period just to get access to regular old birth control.
 
YOU GUYS, honestly -- these men are only trying to save us dumb girls from ourselves. We should be grateful to them!
 
 

Yes, that's the Lt. Gov. of Texas, David Dewhurst, using Planned Parenthood's own graphics to gleefully crow about his real intent with HB2 -- to close clinics and deprive Texas women of safe access to lawful abortion services and reproductive care. 
 
Texas didn’t include Ohio’s "pre-dating a fetus" chestnut in their bill, (something I’m sure they are kicking themselves for) but they did do Ohio one better by adding language that forces every clinic that performs abortions in Texas to upgrade to an "ambulatory surgical center" (ASC) at an extremely high cost. 
 
Which sounds awesome, right? Especially when you read the fine print and see that these ASCs have all sorts of really helpful additional features that will totally help patients getting an abortion receive better care -- things like wider hallways, special air flow systems and gym lockers for staff! You know, all the things that help keep women safe. These expensive, pointless upgrades will force many clinics right out of business.
 
A fun fact: Texas Gov. Rick Perry's sister, Milla Perry Jones, is actually the VP of United Surgical Partners International, a Texas company that runs hospitals and ambulatory surgery centers. She stands to make a healthy profit from this ultra-convenient piece of legislation, which forces clinics to upgrade to the very type of facility she is a lobbyist for.
 
Imagine that.
 
The message in all this is quite clear. You are a woman, not an actual person. Your civil rights not only don’t matter, they just plain do not exist. I witnessed man after man stand up in the Texas Legislature Friday night and drone on about how my personal wishes as a woman did not matter. That I must not be all that smart. That what I choose to do with my own body is actually none of my damn business. 
 
These men stood and told the world that I clearly lack the ability to make decisions that greatly impact my life, and that I must, AT ALL COSTS, be protected from myself by these very smart men, one of whom (the author of the bill, Sen. Glenn Hegar) STOOD ON THE SENATE FLOOR during his closing remarks on the bill and teared up as he told everyone that he is a "sensitive guy who cries at DISNEY MOVIES."
 
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Commetary from The Obama Diary, photo via the Texas Tribune.

Yes, ladies, this really is how we determine public policy that affects women's lives in the great state of Texas.
 
Sadly, that ridiculous display of crocodile tears from Sen. Hegar is by FAR not the most disgusting thing he did to the female population of Texas on Friday night. Sen. Carlos Uresti, a San Antonio Democrat, proposed an exception to the 20-week ban on abortion for child victims of rape or incest who are under 15 years old. 
 
Do you know what the number one cause of death worldwide for girls ages 15-19 is? You guessed it, CHILDBIRTH. Of course, Sen. Hegar declined to add this compassionate exception to the bill -- so now, terrified tweens who have been assaulted in Texas and wait past the 20 week mark to tell their parents what has happened are just going to be outta luck.
 
I resent and reject the implication that being a woman who could possibly find herself in need of abortion services is somehow shameful, immoral, dirty and indecent. And I refuse to go quietly in the night. If lawmakers in Texas wanted a war, I think they've got themselves one now. An entirely new segment of women who were previously ambivalent about abortion rights are now energized, organized, and radicalized. I'm one of them.
 
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My mother would disown me if I flipped the bird on the Internet, so this will have to do.

I urge you to ignore this anti-woman madness at your own peril, because it’s not going to be confined to places like Texas and Ohio for long. Wisconsin, North Carolina, North Dakota and a dozen other states have recently passed some sort of legislation aimed at stripping women seeking abortion services of the rights afforded them by Roe v. Wade
 
Conservative lawmakers in every state are paying close attention to what flies in other parts of the country, and looking at how introducing this same anti-woman legislation in their own areas could boost their political platform. If you're not afraid right now, you may need to check your pulse. 
 
Luckily we have allies in the fight -- like Texas House Member Senfronia Thompson, who took a moment recently to remind male lawmakers that WOMEN are in fact who taught these men how to put their pants on and "use the potty" (HER WORDS!), so why in the holy hell do they grow up to think these same women are somehow morons who need protecting from themselves? 
 
 
There's also the small fact that women don't actually even really NEED all these legal abortion providers anymore. We are the DIY generation!
 
I did 5 whole minutes of half-hearted online research and was able to find instructions on how to self-abort an early pregnancy at home using a common stomach ulcer medicine, as well as a spot to easily order said medication online for delivery right to my home for about $40.00.
 
A woman in Idaho who chillingly self-aborted her 5-month old child alone at home with pills obtained on the web already proved this sort of guerilla healthcare works -- and ladies in Texas can alternatively just hop over the border for a gruesome, cheap, flea-market medical abortion in Mexico, so really, I guess we aren't going to miss those fancy clinics anyway, right? DIY abortion tutorials are sure to be all the rage on Pinterest any day now. 
 
Texas Gov. Rick Perry seems to think his brand-spankin’ new Texas anti-abortion laws will stand up to Supreme Court scrutiny. But he also thought he’d be President of the United States until he sort of forgot why he should be, so I guess we shall see about that, Mr. Gov’nuh. 
 
I’m on Twitter: @IveyAlison.