Lockdown Lifestyle: How To Make Your Child More Comfortable as They Wait To Be Shot

This Deluxe Classroom Lockdown Kit has everything your child needs to stay warm, cozy and entertained while a deranged lunatic roams the halls of their school.
Publish date:
January 17, 2013
school, satire, school shootings, lockdown

You know, you lefty peacenik commie liberal wack-jobs have got it all wrong. Your President Obama, your Joe Biden, your Andrew Cuomo, suggesting and even signing gun control laws that would make it less possible to shoot up a school with an assault rifle.

Pssh! We don't need no stinkin' gun control, 'merica! What we need is every citizen over the age of 18 to be armed with a machine gun so the next time a bad guy decides to go on a killing spree the rest of us can take him down.

Now, in that scenario, a few of us might get nabbed by friendly fire, but if the Hollywood blockbuster film "Les Miserables" teaches us anything, it's that the best way to die from a bullet wound is in the arms of a friend who never loved you in spite of your enormous rack.

Because I believe that the Constitution offers no room for interpretation beyond what our forefathers could envision, I think it's important we get this mandatory gun ownership thing down as an official amendment. There'll be millions of guns on the street under this New Radical Amendment, so what we need to do is to teach kids how to live with the daily threat of gun violence. But we need to do it in a way that works for them and won't disrupt their edumcation. The first step to achieving that? Creating a Lockdown Lifestyle.

I came up with the notion of the Lockdown Lifestyle after a friend wrote to tell me that the fancy private school where her boyfriend teaches purchased one of the many essential items needed to live a lavish life of fear. She described it as a "large pail with a toilet seat on it." It's installed in his classroom now. She says, "This is in case there is a shooter roaming the halls and they are all stuck in the classroom, and someone has to take a dump."

Um, obviously.

Why would we take guns out of the equation when there are so many easy ways our children can accommodate the civil liberties of the spree shooter? Worried your kids will freeze to death, starve or die because they couldn't take their insulin, or worse yet, from boredom during a hard lockdown? Don't sweat it! This Deluxe Classroom Lockdown Kit has everything your child needs to stay warm, cozy and entertained while a deranged lunatic roams the halls of their school.

For only $179.99 (plus shipping and handling, and UGH -- taxes!), you'll get 72 400 Calorie Food Bars -- enough to feed one class for days should a hostage situation get lengthy -- as well as water purification tablets, toilet paper (hello, just because you're terrified doesn't mean you can't stay fresh and clean after shitting yourself!), a radio (ONE DIRECTION!!!), 5 reflective blankets (in case the kids get bored when the radio dies and run a half-marathon in the classroom), 5 emergency rain ponchos (in case it starts raining through the hole the SWAT Team shot in the ceiling in order to break the survivors out) and 2 candles (to stage a romantic dinner of 400 Calorie Food Bars and purified rain water).

But wait -- there's more! You'll also get a Cell Phone Adapter for Flashlight so that your student will be able to text you during the crisis. Like, for example, the way Corbyn Hanson Hightower's daughter did when her school was put on hard lockdown last year after a petty criminal was spotted nowhere near the school.

She wrote, "Goodbye from me. I'm sad because I was really looking forward to going on the sleepover I was planning on Saturday."

After that, her phone died. But Corbyn's daughter didn't! Turns out the whole threat was a bust, and no one from the city government or local law enforcement knew what was happening! Haha, good times!

In my 7-year-old daughter's classroom, their lockdown protocol involves, as my daughter put it, "locking the door, closing all the shades and then hiding in the closet for an hour." Perfect! There's no reason for the learnin' to stop just because you're in the closet (am I right gay kids?)! That's why every classroom should have Tiny Closet Desks, equipped with an audio system and headphones so that students can plug in and listen to their teacher whispering the day's math equation.

"Figure out how many stuffed animals you have. If your mother cries holding each one for an hour each day, how many total hours will she cry for the next year if you die? Show your work!"

Of course, in order for this Lockdown Lifestyle to be thoroughly implemented, your students will have to run drills. In other words, they'll have to practice the way they'd respond if a killer entered their school with semi-automatic weapons. Naturally, during drills (and of course during an actual event), staff want to be careful about not upsetting the children, so they should find creative and sly ways to let the students know there's a problem using a code.

After the Columbine massacre, which took place 14 years ago in 1999, at my friend Lindsay's elementary school in rural Indiana, their secret action code was, "Our visitors have arrived." I'm sure that was confusing for girls who were getting their periods, but hey -- they'd be confused anyway -- they're girls!

Lindsay told me, "After that we would all line up against the wall away from the door while the teacher locked the door and shut off the lights." Ah, third grade! Memories.

It's important to note that a key component of a successful Lockdown Lifestyle is darkness. I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH. Nothing should be illuminated. Bullets can penetrate your child's wooden classroom closet doors or walls, but NOT IF THE ROOM IS DARK. So use those flashlights and candles from your kit sparingly, kids!

It's OK to turn on the flashlight when you know the shooter is in another wing of your school, but once you start to hear the shots come closer, if you don't want to see the white light, be happy cowering quietly in the dark.