Arise, The Royal Womb – Kate Middleton’s Pregnant and My Head’s Just Exploded

How’s your day been? Featuring: the Royal Ovaries, the Royal Mammary Glands, possibly a Royal Epidural if she’s not up to the job

So, congratulations Kate and William! The royal couple has announced that they’re expecting their first child. The pregnancy is still in its early stages, appaz (they didn’t specify how early) and Kate has been taken to hospital with Hyperemesis Gravidarum – extreme morning sickness.

And that is it. At 4.25 on Monday 3rd December, that’s all the information we have been given. It might be all the information we’re going to get for a few weeks, but that’s not going to stop the world’s media wildly speculating about every detail of the royal conception, pregnancy and birth.

For Kate Middleton (or Catherine, as she is referred to whenever the Royal Womb gets a mention), owner of a haircut so powerful it can lift an entire G20 economy out of recession, is public property.

Her boobs are public property, her choice of footwear is public property, and you can make damn sure we’re cashing in on those ovaries.

So, assuming she’s eight weeks pregnant (I’m basing this on absolutely nothing, FYI, I just need a starting point), here’s what we can expect from our favourite newspapers, magazines, and websites over the next seven months. Daily Mail, I may just be talking to you:

December:Initial speculation over the exact location and timing of the Royal Conception will start… NOW.

You know when a friend tells you she’s pregnant and you do some mental arithmetic and work out that she got knocked up when she went on that long weekend to Barcelona? It’s a bit like that, but bigger.

Basically, imagine 60 million people all trying to work out exactly when you shagged and where. Imagine how that makes you feel. Have you gone all hot and is your skin starting to itch in shame? Congratulations, you now know how it feels to be a mother fo’ing princess.

While this is happening, the world will inexplicably (ok not that inexplicably, but very irritatingly) become obsessed with the size of the heel on the royal shoe.

Everyone’s already a bit more obsessed with Kate’s footwear collection than is seemly for a seven pairs of patent Russell & Bromley nude courts, but now Shoe Watch is going to go into overdrive.

If she’s snapped wearing flats it’s almost definitely because she’s got swollen ankles. If she’s wearing heels, it’s a sign that she’s determined not to give up her sense of style just because she’s preggo. BECAUSE A SHOE’S NEVER JUST A SHOE, PEOPLE.

It’s too early for Bump Watch, but that doesn’t mean we can’t all stare obsessively at her boobs, and speculate as to how many cup sizes she’s gone up, while we imagine the Royal Mammary Glands filling up with the Royal Milk. Wait, is that how it works?

And, if George Osborne’s autumn statement is particularly dull, we might get some early chat about the Royal Hospital and the Royal Obstetrician, but no-one’s really interested in that just yet.

January – March:Once we pass the 12-week mark, the press can stop being so restrained with their reporting (yes, that was restrained). At least one paper will get a (royal) rollocking for sneaking a hidden camera into the room for Kate’s three-month scan by dressing their undercover reporter up as a sheikh.

Kate’s bump will be starting to show. Ok, maybe that wasn’t her bump, maybe she had a jacket potato for lunch BECAUSE SHE’S EATING FOR TWO AND SOMETIMES A GIRL JUST WANTS SOME SIMPLE CARBOHYDRATES. Which means we need to start thinking about fashion, girls.

Everyone stopped giving a shit about where Kate buys her A-line skirts from a while ago. But now Kate’s Frock Watch is back. Initial speculation will revolve around which maternitywear brands and designers Kate will wear.

Any brands that are a) based on the King’s Road, b) have been worn by two or more of her friends c) are owned by a friend of her mother’s will be on the hit list.

This might sound a bit specific, but Carol Middleton strikes me as a woman whose friendship circle is 73% women who run chi chi mail-order maternitywear websites.

At some point she will wear a dress that can be broadly described as having a ‘tunic’ shape. She probably has no need to wear one yet, because she’s not showing, and it’s probably not actually a maternity dress, but this will be front-page news, nonetheless.

From this moment onwards whenever Kate is pictured wearing something a bit baggy, she will be ‘dressing for two,’ and whenever she’s snapped shoving anything into her gob, she will be ‘eating for two,’ even if the food in question is celery.

March – May:Things are heating up now. OMG, Kate is totally showing, and much speculation will ensue around the size and position of the bump.

This will be to ascertain the sex of the baby (even though the royal couple will have chosen to keep this news a secret, because it must be nice to have one thing the entire freaking world doesn’t know about you, if only for a couple of months), and also to reassure us that the pregnancy is progressing normally.

Because although Kate will be accused of being a big pregnant fatty who can’t control her insatiable desire for celery every time she eats something, she can’t lose weight either. If she does, that’s a sign that she’s not coping with the pressure of her new role as Official Royal Womb. And she might be harming the baby – OUR BABY (to clarify, I mean the nation’s baby, not mine and Kate’s), which won’t do at all.

This is also the point at which we get into the serious birth talk. Will Kate opt for a natural labour, or decide to give the royal birth canal a break and have an elective cesarean?

What if she goes natural, but is too much of a pathetic weakling to push AND HAS TO HAVE FORECEPS TO YANK THE KID OUT, THUS MEANING THE NATION’S CHILD WILL HAVE AN UNPHOTOGENICALLY WONKY HEAD FOR 5-10 DAYS???

What if she has to have an episiotomy*?

What if she caves and has an epidural, or pethidine? What if she selfishly pumps our royal baby full of drugs because she can’t take the pain? (at this point someone will point out that’s what happens when you marry a girl from Berkshire who’s mum was once an air hostess – the nouveaus have notoriously weak moral fibre).

What if…she CAN’T BREAST FEED? Or what if she tries to but then gets mastitis because the royal milk ducts just aren’t up to it? WHAT IF THAT SELFISH HARRIDAN GIVES OUR KID FORMULA MILK?

You know what? The more I think about it, the more concerned I get. This is our child she’s carrying – and I just don’t think she’s up to it. She’s obsessed with celery and her mum used to be an air hostess.

This never would have happened if William had married Holly Branson, like we all told him.

*I was going to talk about the Royal Perineum here, but restrained myself because I thought it would upset Phoebe.

Rebecca is on twitter, discussing the calorific value of celery @rebecca_hol.