Smiling, Wearing Red, and Other Things That Make it Look Like You Want to Sex John Edwards

"The juror clearly instigated the exchanges. She smiles at him. He smiles politely back at her. She giggles. He blushes."

Jun 5, 2012 at 4:00pm | Leave a comment

image

Look at her smiling. Brazen! She's flirting with you RIGHT NOW.

Before we get started, a cautionary tale.

Once there was a girl named Smulieanne Jolinski who had a very Hot Mom. The Hot Mom once went to a fundraising event for a man named Ron Jedwards, who was a candidate for the office of Price Vesident of the Stunited Yates. Ron was married at the time, but asked one of his assistants to get the Hot Mom's name. Smulieanne admits that she was a little incredulous when she first heard this story. And now she's very sorry, because it turns out that Ron was probably stupid enough to hit on a lady while married and running for public office.

OK, now that that's out of the way: Let's talk about the juror on the John Edwards case who was allegedly disrupting the trial with her hotness and flirting. GAVEL BANG!

First, there was this nutty ABC News article last week from reporter James Hill...

image

Note, FEMALE juror. Because if you just wrote 'juror' we'd all go, A MAN? HOW GAY!


...but until today, we had little information about the "female" juror aside from a pastel drawing of the back of her head. For all we knew, she wasn't even conventionally hot. What if James Hill had a thing for fatties or Eastern European jolie-laide types?

I encourage you to read all of James Hill's thoroughly weird piece, but the gist is that

… the John Edwards trial was nuts. (OK, with you so far.)
… there was a Hot Juror (Hmmmm.)
… the Hot Juror was flirting with John Edwards! (Allllllll right, James Hill.)

Not to go all "the male gaze!" on you guys, but the whole post sounds like it was written from the viewing end of a creepy telescope.

James Hill describes Juror 274 as "an attractive young woman with jet-black hair" (calm down there, Jodi Picoult) and goes on to write in detail of how she Wants It from John Edwards so bad: "The juror clearly instigated the exchanges. She smiles at him. He smiles politely back at her. She giggles. He blushes."

Was anybody else seeing this aside from James? Apparently. The Washington Post reported that she was wearing a totally slutty shirt, a "revealing red top with a single strap and an exposed right shoulder." They also corroborated that she "has been spotted smiling at Edwards and flipping her hair in what seems to some to be a flirtatious manner." Flipping her hair!

While I can't say that I think it's appropriate to wear a one-shouldered top anywhere but to a 21+ dance club on a remote stretch of interstate with a name like "Shadows III," I also think that perhaps it's equally inappropriate to comment on the relative physical attractiveness of a juror and speculate as to whether she is flirting with the defendant.

Maybe it's naive of me to think that this is Creep Journalism and Not Newsworthy, or to have enough faith in humankind and the justice system to suspect that any judge worth his or her salt would not stand for this kind of behavior. Also, a female juror! They're letting women on juries now! I thought it was supposed to be a jury of your peers??? John Edwards is a MAN!

It wasn't until after the sorta-verdict was read that we heard from the Hot Alternate Juror herself, a Greensboro denizen named Denise Speight. Denise denies she was flirting with John Edwards, but confessed to smiling and wearing the color red. Talk out of both sides of your mouth much, Denise?

Denise says that all of the jurors were giggly and hair flippy because the trial went on for a VERY long time, and well, everybody was a little punchy. Some days, they even agreed to dress alike for fun, choosing a color (like yellow, or -- LAW AND ORDER DUN DUN -- red) or an outfit theme, like -- no joke -- "Fifty Shades of Grey." What in the Pauly Shore heck?

She explained to Good Morning America that she's just a naturally friendly person who was trying to keep her fellow jurors' spirits up, and isn't sure how her smiling and wearing colors was misconstrued. Have you ever ridden the subway, Denise? Just having beautiful jet black hair is an open invitation for somebody to masturbate on you. Don't even get me started on what happens when you walk by a construction site wearing a one shouldered top. In red, the color of estrus.

The whore shirt also made its GMA debut, when Denise politely held it up for the cameras and explained that she wore it to the trial that day because she had a date. With her husband. Who, NBC News helpfully noted, is "an amateur model." Named Rod. Why flirt with hamburger when you have amateur model Rod steak at home?

She also says that she was surprised that she made it past jury selection, because she's a Republican. If only James Hill had known that when he saw her flip her hair and smile and confused her for some kind of common, unmarried, non-Republican skiznank.

Rod was understandably upset by the James Hill article, but in James's defense, it is SUPER hard to tell when a woman is "just smiling" and when she is presenting like some kind of rutting justice baboon.

And in a disturbing twist, Smulieanne's mother smiles frequently and often wears colors. She shudders to think what would have happened to the Hot Mom had she smiled at Ron Jedwards, or a passing reporter, because she doesn't want a new dad.