TOO HOT FOR XOVAIN: I'd Rather Deal With A C-Section Scar Than Risk Messing Up My Vag

Arguably, more people are going to see my abdomen than my ladybiz, but I'm more concerned about the latter's appearance.
Publish date:
March 22, 2013
vagina, pregnancy, babies, birth, c-sections, having babies

[You might have noticed that xoVain is a safer space for advertisers, which is why we created a spot here on racy old xoJane to run stuff like this that gets submitted over there! --Jane]

I recently read about a celebrity who had plastic surgery on her vagina and labia after giving birth because it looked different after having a baby slide through there. This terrifies me.

So, not only do I have to do enough kegels to keep my inner business tight, now I also have to worry that my outer business will no longer be cute? Screw that.

Beyonce and other bedazzled role models can go on and on about the magic of childbirth, but nothing and no one can convince me to bring a kid into the world via vagina.

It took me years to finally get comfortable with the idea that some day a man (hopefully one I care about) will put a baby all up in there, make me fat for some months, and possibly leave me with permanent stretch marks. All of that I can prepare for through a healthy diet, prenatal yoga and massive amounts of coconut oil and Mederma. But what if nothing will ever prepare or repair my vaj?

The extreme pain scares me -- that's part of it. Thanks, Hollywood, for bringing us hyperbolic birth scenes featuring screaming … so much screaming. Knock me up and then knock me out. I’ll meet the kid later, when he or she is all cleaned up.

I know this is going to sound shallow (because it hasn't already), but I just don’t want to put my vagina through that kind of trauma.

Considering I’m an actively single woman in NYC, she’s seen and been through enough. First of all, she’s sensitive and not always in the mood for a pounding. Second of all, while she may not win any beauty pageants, she’s very pretty and garners many compliments.

My mother had a C-section due to pregnancy complications (I was backward with the umbilical chord wrapped around my neck), and her belly looks great. There’s some scarring, but not much. Hopefully, with the help of lotions and oils, I can fully mask a C-section scar as if nothing happened at all.

Let me clear something up first before I get a text from a certain gentleman wondering if there’s something I should tell him: I am not pregnant nor do I plan to be pregnant anytime in the near future. (And in an office somewhere in Manhattan, a man breathed the most satisfying sigh of relief of his life.)

This is just the kind of crazy crap I have anxiety about when left to my own devices. I think about potential life situations and how my vagina will be affected. Will my it get stretched out? Change color? Tear? And more importantly, will it still be able to enjoy itself? You know, just regular thoughts; nothing to see here.

So have you had a C-section? Would you recommend it? If you have actually given birth the old-fashioned way, does it look different? These are things I need to know!