I Think Your Religion Is Dumb

I got into a fight on Twitter about sandwiches. Jesus Christ.

Aug 3, 2012 at 10:00am | Leave a comment

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I have a Twitter account that I use exclusively for jokes, self-promotion and getting celebrities to send me pictures of their johnsons. I don't do topical humor or insults, and I usually stay away from politics. I'm just not good at it.

But today, I tweeted a joke about Chick-Fil-A, the garbage nightmare restaurant of garbage nightmare people.

Immediately, I got a flood of responses telling me that whatever Dan Cathy (garbage nightmare person and Chick-Fil-A president) wants to believe is his choice, and that I was being "intolerant" of his beliefs.

Many of my relatives are strict-constructionist about religion. They are kind of people who adhere to something just because it's part of the Bible. I like them very much, although I did not choose them, and I sort of have to be nice to them, although I realize that some of what they "believe" is wrong.

This is difficult when they say something like, "I just believe marriage should be between a man and a woman," because then I have difficulty not telling them that they are shitty dicks. That interferes with the way I like to digest stuffing (leisurely).

I know what you're thinking. We're all against cruelty and man's inhumanity to man. Can't you express yourself in a more eloquent, less profane fashion? No!

I'm not saying it's an opinion: Some of what religious people believe is wrong, empirically.

Wrong! I mean, like, there's opinion wrong, and then there's actual, physical wrong. A calm day at sea does not mean Neptune is in a friendly-type mood, and being a lesbian is not "a bad personal choice that someone makes."

The "Christian" belief that gay is a choice is wrong. Like, incorrect.

Are you the kind of religious person that thinks being gay is OK and not a choice? (I see you, Unitarians and crazy hippie Protestants.) You guys are cool, I'm not talking to you.

I'm talking to people who are like, "Oh, it's just what I believe" and through their words or their voting preferences hide behind their incorrect religion to make the lives of other people worse. If you do this, I do not have to be "nice" to you, because you suck and are bad people.

I realize that Christianity gets kind of a pass because a lot of it is GREAT. Charity! Kindness to others! That week after Easter when all the candy is discounted!

Besides, a lot of people are Christians. Many people adhere to moderate forms of it, which makes them less likely to do things that suck, like try to take away the rights of women and homosexuals.

But I don't have to be tolerant of your beliefs if they're evil and bad, which encouraging people to deny rights to gay people is. If religions in the United States were high school students, the "Christianity" a lot of people practice would be "the girl who's so popular that everybody thinks is kind of dumb and mean but is nice to anyway."  I don't need to be nice to you, Christianity, I'm not trying to get invited over to your pool.

But just being a religion does not mean I am not allowed to disagree with you. That is not "intolerance."

What Dan Cathy did is wrong in the sense that he is "incorrect." What he thinks of as "traditional marriage" is not actually "traditional marriage" even as it is written in the Bible, so I guess all that says about him is that he is mega dumb. Read a book on the history of marriage, Dan, you dumb stupid idiot.

But what Dan Cathy did is also wrong on a spiritual, moral level: If you publicly own up to same beliefs that cause gay kids to fear for their physical safety or actually kill themselves, you are a human sack of shit. Full stop.

I don't care if people are "religious" at all. It doesn't affect me, it doesn't affect you. Until it does, in which case, cut it the fuck out.

As long as you are not trespassing on the rights and basic happiness of other people, go to town and worship whomever you want however you want. Worship Jesus, Ganesh, snakes, Meatloaf. (The person. But also the food. That's how little I care.) I don't have to respect you, I just have to politely ignore you. That is the American and nice thing to do to people who are do things you don't like, harmlessly.

But when you say something that mobilizes an army of  like-minded idiots to stand against an entire population of human beings, you're a dick and you're wrong for doing it.

I don't care if you're acting under the banner of your religion. Freedom of religion and speech are awesome and I am 100 percent for them, but if you abuse it, you are a garbage person and I will happily say so.

Here's the thing with Chick-Fil-A: I have never bought a thing from them, partially because of their weird "We're not open on Sundays" sign they had in my mall, and partially because I liked the Great Steak and Potato Company. But going on TV and saying "I am the owner of this business, and also gay people are bad" is a terrible thing to do. Dan Cathy knew exactly what he was saying and the extent to which he was effectively politicizing his product. Inviting people to spend more money to announce to the world what dicks they are and to encourage others to act dickishly is a terrible, evil, inhuman thing to do.

Dan Cathy, you're a shitty person. Or at least, you did a shitty thing.

Your type of Christianity is awful and should only be practiced on an island where you're the only person there. A cold island with plenty of edible vegetation, because you don't deserve to get skinny and tan like Tom Hanks in "Castaway."

I'm not suggesting that we discriminate against religious idiots for being religious idiots. I don't care if Arby's board elects a Mayan* COO, but if she goes on TV and says, "It's just my belief that we murder virgins and let their blood flow into decorative runnels to please the sun gods," I'd go, Whoa, no roast beef for me this week, maybe. But also, I would be inclined to say aloud, that this is wrong and should not be said to impressionable, feeble minded fast-food consumers, who might take it the wrong way and start stabbing people with horsey sauce stuck in the corners of their idiot mouths.

I guess that half of the fun of the Internet is that you can say whatever you want, and that nobody has to listen to you. Most of us do not head multinational corporations, or have access to the kind of massive public forum where we can use our own beliefs and the first amendment to foment cruelty.

So, to my Christian followers: I am sorry but if you subscribe to these beliefs, I do not have to be "tolerant" of you. In fact, I do not tolerate you in the least. You suck. You suck so much and it makes me angry and sad.

And your beliefs are wrong. The earth is not the center of the universe, women aren't made out of riblets, and it's not shameful or ruinous to get married to somebody you love because you both have penises. Stop being afraid of two men fucking because it's weird or it turns you on and then couching it in your beautiful love of God, you horrible disgusting people.

You are of course, allowed to disagree with me, but just remember: fuck Chick-Fil-A and Dan Cathy.

*And let's be real, they would, because, Arby's.