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Editorial note: We try not to let nepotism influence xoJane editorial decisions. In this case, seeing as how Mandy's dog Sam took the time to learn how to type, we decided to make an exception.
Listen, I'm as sick of these "How not to be a dick" stories as you are, but this one is important. This one is about treats.
Here's how not to be a dick to your dog.
1. I'm just going to come out and say it. I don't think we're spending enough time at the pet store.
Maybe you don't realize what they have.
I'm sure you just don't realize what they have.
See it's not just wet food. It's not just dry food.
Here. Look. I've made a shopping list for you.
They have pig ears. They have pork-skin bacon knots. They have meaty knucklebones. They have romp 'n chomp treat toy refills. They have yapple-nanas. They have PB-nanas. They have canine cuisine goobers tubs. They have turkey jerky. They have snausages in a blanket. They have breathbusters. They have bully sticks. They have biscuits. They have pup-corn. They have Beggin' Strips. They have deer antler chews. They have rawhide twists. They have jerky strips. They have munchy dumbbells. They have peanut-butter wafers. They have oven-baked cheese snacks.
I might have missed some. To be safe, you should probably buy everything.
2. Baths are absolutely not necessary for me ever because I smell amazing.
Have you ever thought about the fact that maybe you're the one who smells like poop?
3. I appreciate that you think it's cute, but you don't need to talk to me like I'm a baby.
I'm not here to fill your barren womb. The word is pronounced "little," not "wittle." Are you literally trying to take my balls a second time?
4. Enough with the "No, no, no. Bad dog."
It's enough that you butt-sniff-shame, but the persistent negativity? I get it. I did something wrong. Well, guess what. Maybe I don't want all the trash to be tied up and placed on high shelves where I can't reach it. Life isn't fair.
5. I may not be a genius, but I still know you're having sex when you put me in the bathroom.
Do you hear that yowling? Does that sound like I'm happy? No, no, no. Bad owner.
6. I hate your iPhone about as much as I hate the stuffing remaining on the inside of squeaker toys.
Have you considered the fact that every minute you're on there texting you could be purchasing me chicken?
7. I may not be a service dog but that doesn't mean I shouldn't be allowed inside of restaurants.
Word on the street is those guys don't even eat the table scraps. I don't think you understand how much this pains me.
8. Fifteen minutes at the dog park is straight-up bullshit.
Do you have one thing in your life that makes you feel more alive than anything else in the whole wide world and then someone puts you on a leash and yanks you away? There's an old dog saying. "Take me away when I've had time to pee on all the spots the other dogs have peed upon and then still don't take me from the dog park but spend a little more time there." Remember that. It's a very popular saying.
9. Cesar Millan.
10. I have fur. I have paws. I don't need the shoes, the sweater, the hat, the scarf or the necktie.
Would you wear it? Oh look, I got you a sweater. It says "I Ruff You Barky Much." If you wouldn't wear it on a date, don't buy it for this guy. Dignity. It's a dog thing.
Did I miss anything, you guys? Any treats? Please forward this to your dogs. Unless your dog has its own Facebook page. Because that's just ridiculous.
And be sure to stay tuned for my next xoJane piece: What the fuck is up with cats?