How Not To Be A Dick To A Large Busted Lady

Do not shame me or tell me to stop complaining because I am lucky/endowed/gifted/anything along those lines. I get it.

Jul 17, 2013 at 10:00am | Leave a comment

In modern U.S. society, boobs are discussed more than ever before. The media has this creepy boob fixation -- who has had theirs done, whose are too small, too saggy, etcetera, etcetera.
 
The larger the cup size, the closer to being an emblem of sexual desire, or so plastic surgeons would have everyone believe. However, even while these images are being circulated, women who have had breast reductions are often reported as being the most satisfied group following plastic surgery.
 
How could someone possibly be unhappy with their “girls” in this cultural climate? Since large-chested women are seen as being on the positive side of this particular trend, people feel no qualms about commenting and objectifying us. How can you be upset? You have what everyone wants!
 
However, constantly bringing up and fetishizing a certain body part is denigrating to anyone, and while I can laugh at myself as well as the next gal, the constant jokes about my bits are getting old. Here, I list things that you should never ever do to the chesty gal in your life unless you want to be a dick (unless they genuinely want you to. To each their own!).
 
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In case of emergency, bra may be used as a parachute

 
1. Do not fetishize me (this applies mostly to romantic partners).
 
I feel like this is an entry on most of these “How Not To Be A Dick” articles, but it is there for a reason! I am a human being, not a chance for you to live out some stupid porn star fantasy shit you have going on. I have had men seek me out just because I am large-chested and they have never been with a large-chested person. 
 
I think that a lot of times large-chested women are projected as being somehow more sexual. It’s total bullshit though -- I am probably more inhibited than other people because I have years of “boob shame” behind me. If you think that just because I have DDs I am going to act like Jenna Jameson, prepare to be sorely disappointed.
 
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I have never understood the cans analogy…?

 
2. Do not shame me or tell me to stop complaining because I am lucky/endowed/gifted/anything along those lines.

Yes, large breasts are equated with sexual desirability. However, they come with their own emotional and physical baggage. I have literally been getting harassed by grown men since I was 13. Even though I was emotionally incapable of dealing with a sexual situation, to the eye I looked like I was “mature.” I was sent home all the time from high school for wearing the same shirts as my classmates. I have never been able to wear a triangle bikini top, and sometimes I get backaches from literally doing nothing. I understand that there are upsides and downsides to every body shape, but do not oversimplify mine, please. 

 
3. Do not attribute every one of my successes to being busty.
 
This is the one I hate THE MOST.
 
Got out of a traffic ticket by being polite to a police officer? It’s the chest and it doesn’t matter if it was a lady cop or a male cop, they were checking out your fun bags. Promotion? It’s cause you wore that form-fitting top when you gave your presentation. I once had a high school classmate tell me that of course I had a boyfriend and I always would because I was large breasted. Usually people think that they are being funny by saying these things, but you can tell that they are totally not kidding. 
 
This kind of thinking robs a woman of her achievements -- achievements that were created by her gray matter, not her mammary tissue.
 
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Leave my “jugs” out of this, people!

 
4. Friends, please stop throwing foreign objects down my top.
 
It was kinda funny 10 years ago in middle school, but it wasn’t even that funny then. Not only does it embarrass me, but the stuff you throw sometimes gets lost in there, only to be discovered a week later.
 
I once had this job where I worked with all men and one night it became a game to throw ice cubes down my shirt. They were just being silly, and though I played along, the minute that the game started, I was all of a sudden different from them. They did not have deep valleys in their chest where things could be thrown and would get stuck. Though our bond was based on the similarities we shared through doing the same work, the minute my chest became a topic of focus, we were no longer “the same” and it made me realize that, no matter how platonic the friendship, everyone was looking at my chest.
 
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Step away from my melons!

 
5. Don’t give me unwanted advice on how to dress for my shape, or how to keep my “twins” perky.
 
Seriously, STFU, especially if we aren’t close. I’ve lived with this body for over 20 years, and have seen it in every situation. I’ve felt it change and move and grow. I know what makes it look best, and what keeps it the healthiest and most fit. If I want advice on these topics, I will go and see a stylist, a doctor, or a personal trainer, not some acquaintance who does not even share my body shape.
 
Dear readers, take this list with a grain of salt. Like any good feminist, I absolutely do not speak for all women. This is just my own experience of inhabiting my body. Some chesty friends will be totally OK with you talking about their rack, and maybe even let strangers touch them. Others won’t even say “boob” and will wear turtlenecks so as to remove any question of perceived sexuality.
 
But my message to you is: No matter who you know, whether they be short, tall, large-chested, small-chested, make sure that you have their permission before discussing their body. Bodies are very personal things, and even the most self-loving of us go through ebbs and flows of body acceptance and body rejection. By discussing someone else’s body without their consent, you are assuming a right that is not yours.