How can I unlearn this toxic lesson when it’s so deeply embedded in our everyday lives?
WARNING; I am eye-rollingly whiny and self absorbed in this post. Many apologies!
depression 'safe foods'
I have depression and I've felt myself bottoming out for the past 6 weeks. I've stupidly made the executive decision not to take my Prozac for about two months because 'I feel fine!' completely ignoring the fact that the Prozac made me that way.
Bottoming out is: me sleeping for six hours a day and feeling near catatonic the other eighteen. Or welling up when my boyfriend asks me to pass him the remote. Or not leaving the house for three days. Or having a panic attack at 4am, popping two Xanax, buying a pair of Dior Homme jeans online and then passing out inside a clothes rail.
My body dysmorphia gets SO much worse (hence why my xojane profile picture is not there) and I get teary-eyed when I have to prepare or eat something that doesn't come in a packet. Writing gets so much harder. My brain is a murky swamp and I cannot concentrate on the simplest task. And it just so happens this period of exhaustion and self loathing fell at the exact same time I got the opportunity to write for a site I literally adore! Sweet, sweet life I lead.
Basically, I become a complete and total mess because I'm just not coping. So sometimes, I have to stop trying and give myself a break from it all. I don't know if this is the prescribed method (indeed my therapist would be horrified I wasn't taking long walks or 'writing a letter to my child within'). But allowing myself to just be a mess for a while works for me.
Even if you don't have depression I feel like this is good advice. Give yourself a break from all the bullshit in your life, have a day or a weekend or even just an hour where you turn your brain off and don't try to deal with anything. I always feel like, all I have to do is get through this hour. I won't think about the next hour until it comes.
Also; reminding myself that what I'm feeling is because of a chemical imbalance in my (factory second) brain and that it will soon pass. I won't feel this shitty/hysterical/miserable. And the last thing I do (when I'm not weeping and drooling into my own hair) is try to think of three things that are at least marginally cheering me up right now. It sounds really easy, but when you're depressed or even vaguely miz its the fucking hardest thing to do in the world. Seriously. Whatever. Rant over.
Three things that are cheering me up right now
They are kind of mild. Now my voice doesn't sound like an actual death rattle. I should stop smoking all together but shuffling outside for a cigarette is sometimes the only thing worth getting up for. Breaks up the monotony of the day, bit of fresh air, something to look forward to. But I do want to stop. At some point. Lung damage is not cute.
I had been reading a lot of bestsellers and 'damaged girl novels', like The Virgin Suicides and Story of my Life until I realized they were triggering me, so now I just read a lot of bestsellers. Sometimes my ex-boyfriend used to read to me but he stopped offering to do so from his own Kindle because of all the times his suggestions were been met with almost valorous levels of contempt. I'm sure there are many women who find dry economic policy or books about McCarthyism pleasant, soothing reading. I am not one of them.
C&C California Tank Tops and Dresses
I'm a t-shirt snob and these are so fucking comfortable. They're easy to throw on, they look really good on, they're great for layering or summer or relaxing, they're made of the thinnest cotton and I love them so much. I don't know if they still sell them at Selfridges or whatever, but they have a website or you can get them on eBay insanely cheaply. Recently I've been wearing this fruity number I've had since secondary school.
What about you? How does your depression/general malaise affect you? What three things are cheering you up right now?