Fat Women Are Destroying Civilization By Failing To Give Men Boners: An Important Social Essay

This is the part where a bunch of dudes hate me for laughing at their non-bonered penises.

May 2, 2013 at 12:00pm | Leave a comment

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WHAT THE HELL LESLEY THIS ISN'T THE ONION

 
In the course of human history, one can scarcely doubt the true driving force behind every one of humankind’s greatest achievements, be they in art, music, literature, or science. Though some misguided elitists may argue fiercely to the contrary, this force is not our species’ natural curiosity, nor is it our persistent and hopeful search for meaning in an often chaotic and unjust world. 
 
This force is not even ambition, or love, or the compassion that surely resides somewhere in even the blackest human soul.
 
No, the force that drives people worldwide to reach greater and greater heights as a civilization is none of these things, but is rather: MEN’S BONERS.
 
My dear friends! Don’t leave in disgust! We must acknowledge the truth of this, as there are huge potential ramifications that could impact our civilization’s very survival. I will explain.
 
The need for straight men’s boners and their powerful influence on our culture and our world is precisely why obesity is such a worldwide crisis, one that needs trumpeting from the front pages of every news outlet on a weekly, if not a daily, basis. 
 
Indeed, hourly reminders of the consequences of fatness would be appropriate as we approach this dangerous tipping point from which no boner returns. Our greatest achievements must be thrust forcibly into a planet willing and ready to be impregnated with men’s brilliance, and the momentum by which this thrusting occurs relies upon the swelling of the masculine organ for its fortitude and clout. 
 
However, the growing incidence of visible fat women, specifically fat women daring to aspire to the lofty heights of sexual agency, is a terrible imposition upon man’s eager inflammation. To put it simply, fat women are making the all-important weens that rule the world into soft, flaccid appendages, of no use for thrusting anything anywhere.
 
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It's a serious problem.

 
When described in such terms, the frustration, resentment, and even violent rages of narrow-minded cisgendered heterosexual men railing against the forced witnessing of women’s bodies that fail to give them hard-ons becomes a perfectly understandable and even sympathetic response to a world that has failed to identify how deeply (even irreparably, as some things can never be unseen) it has damaged them. We are, after all, describing the single most sensitive and vital organ in these men’s bodies, from which fully nine-tenths of their motivation to do anything in life is derived.
 
Clearly, these are men suffering from a heartbreaking deficiency of boners.
 
The sight of fat women is a heavy cross said men must bear every moment they step out into the public spaces where people congregate, be they city streets or shopping malls or public transportation or the dentist’s office. Their eyes burning as though filled with searing acid, their inability to control their speech — the inescapable, uncontrollable need to instruct the offending woman on the pain she is selfishly causing them — is hardly their fault! 
 
They must say something, in the hope that their words will drive the fat woman back into the shadows and thereby cause the unthinkable torture being imposed upon their enfeebled weens to finally relent. 
 
Such men cannot be responsible for the things they say and do while in such agony. We cannot rightly blame them when it is these men, and the relative rigidity of their supremely important peckers, who are being attacked here -- attacked by fat women who dare to allow themselves to be seen.
 
Of course these men are upset! They are suffering, and we have been content to let them agonize, even going so far as to assert that all people, and all bodies, deserve respect and dignity, and that homogenized and impossible beauty standards are oppressive and hurtful to people of all genders. 
 
How could we be so foolish as to overlook the profound effects these erroneous and insulting ideas would have on our society? The weens and the men attached to them are the brutalized victims of body acceptance, a crime that continues to fail to be recognized by the federal government or law enforcement agencies. How long can we allow this injustice to continue?
 
Besides the anguish our persistent fatness imposes on these individuals, one might argue that by failing to provide boners to men, fat women are also holding back the rapid rise of a most glorious civilization. It is the fault of these uncaring, irresponsible fat women that we continue to hobble along without jet-powered flying cars and food pills and television that we watch inside our heads. 
 
Our lack of a suitable and clean alternative to fossil fuels? Cancer, poverty, world hunger? Multiple seasons of "Two and a Half Men"? All these horrors are the exclusive responsibility of boner-denying fat women. Surely, if there were more hard penises, these debilitating social and cultural problems would have been long ago solved, and we would all be reaping the benefits of a stiff-pricked world without disease, poverty, prejudice, or unfunny TV.
 
The tragic wailing of these suffering weens shall be silenced no more. This is a call to action, to all the fat women, to take responsibility for the terrible social burden we have callously and even unwittingly become. Our society is fruitlessly straining against the ever-tightening bonds of penis-softness and we must make amends for the damage we have caused. 
 
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Really, really serious.

 
We can do this by rapidly becoming “hot” and fuckable not according to our own standards, but to the standards of the men — and, of course, of their cocks — whose greatness we have so bridled. It is our responsibility, as women, to stiffen up those johnsons again, and stiffen we must, no matter what it takes, be it misery-inducing diets, obsessive exercise, or dangerous surgeries to permanently sicken our healthy digestive tracts. 
 
This is what we were born for. This is our task, our charge, our province, as women: to indirectly empower the genius of men by making their penises hard.
 
If you can’t do it for yourselves, please, do it for the boners.
 
(A version of this essay originally appeared on my blog in September of 2010.)
Posted in Issues, fat, boners, satire