Dude Writer Astutely Observes: LOL FAT LADIES ARE GROSS LOL

My fellow women, we have a critical responsibility to the penises of the world. Let's not forget that.
Publish date:
April 25, 2012
sad stories, fat politics, soft penises, M

Adele: ALMOST not a moped. ALMOST. (Image by Christopher Macsurak, licensed under Creative Commons.)

Edited to add: The offending article has since been removed, but if you're bummed by this and still want to be grossed out by it, feel free to check out screencaps here.

South Florida’s local entertainment rag New Times has a positive treat for you today! Ladykiller and Master of High Standards Ric Delgado has penned a thoughtful and sensitive tribute to “pleasantly plump” (really) (I know) (really) “female musicians” he’d like to “get down with.” HAHAHA, no, just kidding, it’s an excuse for fat jokes.

The list varies from Jessica Simpson to Adele (who is “almost” good looking enough to not make him feel ashamed to be seen with her in public), but all the ladies involved are well and truly eviscerated for daring to make Delgado’s poor sad penis go all soft.

Of Beth Ditto, he says, “If we were dating Ditto, we'd happily cheer for her in the first row of Gossip concerts, patiently waiting for her to finish her set with towel and vanilla ice cream in hand. We got your back, sweetie. Well, us and a couple of friends -- there's a lot of ground to cover.”

Even Jennifer Hudson is included, which is especially weird given that Jennifer Hudson is arguably as famous right now for losing a bunch of weight (she is now a SIZE 4, it’s really important for you to know) as she is for, like, singing anything.

This is sad and ridiculous, as Hudson’s real talent is her voice, and not her ability to eat less, but I guess the latter is more impressive and valuable to people than the former. And if ignoring her new look wasn’t enough, Delgado brings the humor with his incisive thoughts on her bangability: “Would it be incredibly wrong to make fun of a person who had her entire family murdered? Yes. So you do your thing, girl. New Times loves ya.”

See? Ric Delgado is a PERSON with a HEART, you guys.

I generally don’t give much thought to sad-penis stories like this one, as they’re pretty unimaginative and expressly designed to draw negative attention. Ric Delgado probably needed SOMETHING to write about today, and hey, making fun of fatties is always good for a few clicks. I want to sympathize with Ric Delgado, you guys. (At least I did, until I found his Twitter which features a picture of him in a fedora AND holding a typewriter, which made me wonder if there is now a Brooklyn somewhere in South Florida that I don’t know about.)

But you know, some days you just need a reminder that the most important thing you or your body can do is be sexy to some cliched manboy music journalist in South Florida. Fat ladies (or even just ladies with a bit of chub around the hips) are offensive primarily because they fail to be sufficiently attractive to dudes like Ric Delgado.

I can’t speak for any of you, but I, for one, am FUCKING RELIEVED to hear it.