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Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump has had a busy week, so I thought it was high time to see what he's been up to lately. After all, it's not every day that your young man turns 11. Wait, that's Harry Potter.
I've curated an enchanting selection of Trump's greatest hits from the last week, because, to be honest, I think we all need a nervous, horrified laugh today.
1. Trump and the literal wall of garbage
We've long debated whether the Trump campaign is a garbage fire, and footage from campaign headquarters certainly seems to indicate that it's a strong probability.
Up 'til now, though, they've kept their waste management affiliations under wraps. Until Tuesday, when they just went for it.
Cue approximately 8.2 million jokes. But while we were all laughing, the candidate apparently made a speech about...the economy? NPR helpfully kept it together long enough to listen and fact check it for us. Hilariously, they noted that a number of the statistics he cited were actually from a left-wing think tank. Hem hem, as Dolores Umbridge would say.
2. Trump and the delightful world of waterboarding
Most presidents at least have the decency to be sub rosa about their support for torture, but Trump wants it right out there in the open. Referring to waterboarding at a rally shortly after the horrific and devastating bombing in Turkey, he said "I like it a lot."
President Obama has definitively stated that waterboarding is torture, as have a number of international authorities, and it's been banned since the Bush administration. But since Trump's a fan, I'd love to invite him over to my place — I definitely have a board and some buckets lying around somewhere. We could have a rootin' tootin' good time!
3. Trump and the very bad, no good, bad thoughts
Trump is also evidently a fan of prosecuting thought crime, as he indicated while struggling to articulate how his magical Muslim ban is going to work once he goes into office. While ambling on a Scottish golf course, enjoying the fresh, Brexit-scented breeze, he announced that, okay, some Muslims are all right, as long as they don't come from "terrorist countries," but also, we've got to keep people with "bad thoughts" out.
Bro, what kind of bad thoughts are we talking? Asking for a friend.
4. Donald Trump and the outstanding Scottish profanities
During his Scottish visit, Trump took the opportunity to introduce America to a slew of absolutely delightful and stellar insults, via the Scottish people's reaction to his august presence. If Scotland ever announces master classes in swearing, I'm first in line. He might also want to consider signing up, because he could really stand to level up from his current playground insults.
Really though, admire this tweet:
And then go check out the replies, in which people call him things like "muppet," "buttplug face," "weapons-grade plum," "cocksplat," "tangerine ballbag," and, my personal favorite, "toupéd fucktrumpet." And yes, the author of that last really did take the time to lovingly add that accent mark.
Even David Tennant stepped in.4. Donald Trump and the shady turtle
Noted Turtle-American and House Majority Leader Mitch McConnell is having a really rough time. As a leading Republican, he's supposed to fall in lockstep behind the party's presumed nominee, but clearly the very thought is making him want to retreat deep into the inner reaches of his shell, for which we can't honestly blame him.
Yet, sometimes being a Republican is like being a plumber: At some point, you're just going to have to reach in there and fish out a giant wad of who-knows-what to get things moving again. So he's trying, the poor dear.
How does one endorse a candidate without actually coming out and saying that he's a good candidate? It's a vexing question for Republicans and Senator McConnell gave it his all and ultimately failed miserably in the above shade-filled comment.
Meanwhile, my boyfriend Paul Ryan is sticking to his guns on the whole "I'ma endorse you, bro, but then I'm promptly going to attack you at every opportunity" approach. Kisses, boo.
5. Donald Trump and the very not-fuzzy math
FiveThirtyEight weighed in with their much-anticipated call on the direction of the election this week, and it's not looking good for poor Donald: Nate Silver and co. put his chances of winning at about 20 percent. It's also not looking good for poor FiveThirtyEight either, though, as they explained that this election is completely bananas (tangerines?) and utterly unpredictable. "How do you predict a general election with Donald Trump?," Silver asked, with an expression of haunted despair.
The Donald has had a famously adversarial relationship with polling data (earlier in June he gleefully tweeted a link to a poll showing him trailing Clinton, apparently confused about which name went with which percentage point), and over the weekend, he took a break from Brexit commentary and being pursued by angry Scots to throw a little hissy over the latest numbers, which are... not good for him. It's good to know that despite his attempts at revamping his image to look more presidential, he's continuing to fail spectacularly.
6. Donald Trump and the pathetic pleas for money
After pledging to pay his own way to the White House, thereby validating our belief that it apparently is possible to buy an election, the Trump campaign is broke and his supportive Super PACS are having some issues. So broke that he might turn to public financing, allowing us, the lucky taxpayers, to not only pay off his campaign debt, but fund his campaign itself.
But before it humbles itself that way, the campaign appears to be... spamming foreign government officials with pleas for money?
No, really. Aside from being a pretty bold move, it's also a pretty illegal one: Campaigns are not allowed to accept foreign donations. Given the financial irregularities already appearing in the Trump campaign, it looks like we might have more thrills in store in that department, and given his love affair with Putin, it might be a good idea to check his pockets for rubles.
7. Donald Trump and the highly successful racist rhetoric
It's probably not a huge surprise that a whopping one percent of Black voters support Trump, given his rhetoric. But it's not just about who supports him: It's about the attitudes of who supports him. While there's a long-established anecdotal belief that Trump fans are racist gasbags, now we have harder evidence that they are, in fact, racist gasbags.
Nearly half of self-declared Trump supporters in a Reuters poll reported that the Black community is more violent and criminal, and "lazy" was just a few points behind.
It's a sharp reminder that while we enjoy laughing at the man, his campaign comes with deadly serious consequences.