I guess a part of me worries that my doctor will see all this emotional trauma manifested inside my lady bits, as if there are lines carved into my flesh by the lost inhabitants of my uterus.
Thank you for the invitation to attend your baby shower in three months. Unfortunately, I will not be able to attend.
It’s nothing personal, I promise. It’s just that after your last baby shower, I’m thoroughly convinced you’ve lost touch with reality. And I don’t want to participate in the mental degeneration of my dear friend.
Here’s why I’d much rather go out to dinner with you after the shower:
You’re Going To Be Way Too Huge To Be Fun.
The second you cross the 6 month mark (or 7 months, if you’re being extra careful), you’re pretty much safe from a miscarriage. Let’s party then, when you cross that crucial benchmark! You know, when you’re obviously pregnant but can still walk from person to person and don’t require people to wait on you.
Honestly, it’s not cute to expect us all to wait on you just because you’re enormous. You’re the hostess of this party, and/or someone in your family is hosting it. You’re all supposed to be taking care of me, if anything.
You Already Have All The Sh*t You Need.
Amazon exists. Hand-me-downs exist. You’ve likely been scoping out stuff for the nursery forever. So why don’t we all just hang out and talk about this new part of your life? There’s no point in expecting us to fill in the gaps of your life.
Do You Really Expect Us To Like These Decorations?
You had sex and got pregnant. We understand that. Mazel tov! Sex is great and it occasionally leads to babies.
So why all the fluffy clouds and storks everywhere? Who is this for? We’re (presumably) all adults, so we don’t need ultra-specialized decorations to enjoy a party. We’re fine just being here with you. Don’t order that customized “It’s a (insert gender)!” confetti. No one’s going to look at it.
It Makes No Sense Anymore To Isolate The Guys.
It’s 2015. Are we really going to pretend that the guys don’t have any role in raising a baby? Or that this is what most of us want? If that’s really the goal of modern parenting, then isn’t it just hurtful to giggle and shut the door against the husbands and boyfriends for an evening?
Unless having the menfolk around would add an uncomfortable dose of reality to the “motherhood is always perfect” vibe your mom seems to be pushing with the baby-shaped cake. That would make more sense. But while we’re on the subject...
Why Is Your Mom Here?
There’s no bachelorette party counterpart to a baby shower. There’s just the version of the party where we invite the older female relatives and wear dresses that go down to our knees.
This means that we’re going to have no chance to talk about pregnancy sex and joke about having to clean up baby puke forever. I thought this party was supposed to be for you?
It’s Going To Be Weird For The Childfree Folks.
The traditional baby shower bills itself as a celebration of the mother-to-be. It’s a party meant to circle the mother with love and support as she enters the next stage of her life. That’s a great idea and a fun time to childfree and child-toting people alike. We love you! We all want to be here for you during this crazy-weird transition! That’s the kind of party I’d love to attend.
But in reality, a baby shower is a celebration of motherhood in general. And that’s going to be downright uncomfortable for the people not interested in participating in motherhood. Even worse, they may not even be invited to the damn thing. Blame your mother.
Can We Get Some Real Food, Please?
Finger sandwiches suck. So does any kind of cake selected for its resemblance to a fetus. Call me when you get some barbecue and something with real frosting.
Also: Diaper cakes. How is this still a thing? I’ll buy you a giant, ugly box of diapers when the time comes. There’s no way to make those things cute.
This Is Going To Bring Out The Worst In Your Pregnant Brain.
You’re emotional. You’re flooded with hormones. You’re worried about your body, your sex appeal and if you can even handle this thing coming out of you. Sweetie, I get that. I want to be here for you during this time in your life. I want to support you and tell you things are going to be okay. I want to fulfill the original intent of the baby shower.
But I’m not going to be able to be there for you like that in a crowd of people. Especially not if they’re all trying to guess how big your belly has gotten, or shoving presents in your face. We won’t be able to actually talk about baby stuff if you have to put on a fake smile the entire time.
Basically, I’m not going to your baby shower because I care about you too much. I’m not going to do you any good by being there. I’ll probably just end up being one more source of stress.
Call me after it’s all over. We’ll go shopping for giant underwear and swap stories about labor scenes we saw on reality TV shows back in the day. I’ll bring the super-fuzzy baby blanket I bought for your future kid. It’ll be fun, I promise. Way more fun than this effing party will be.