YOU ARE THE ADVICE COLUMNIST: I'm Smelly and Gross

Please help me not to be the creepy fat sweaty lady that no one wants to hire!

Jul 15, 2013 at 6:30pm | Leave a comment

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I am a sweaty lady. I accept this. I bring sweaters with me in the summer when I get cold in a/c, try to avoid much physical activity as I can, and try not to make eye contact with anyone until the beads of sweat on my upper lip evaporate or I have consumed enough alcohol not to care. I once had to throw out a sweater because I forgot deodorant on my way to work and got so hot on the train that it developed a permanent stink. I actually thought it was the guy next to me until I left the station, had to buy deodorant on the way and keep my arms down the entire shift. I'm gross.
Here is my dilemma. I have just moved across the country and gotten rid of my car as we would be "downtown" and "walking distance" from potential employers. My husband has just gotten a job 30 minutes away and "downtown" is about a mile from me. It's also 30 degrees warmer than where we lived before. About 5 minutes standing outside and sweat is running out of my hair. This did not occur to me when we planned to move, as we have always visited in November and um, I'm not going to bring up sweating as an objection to moving to wine country, because wine country. 
I will be commuting almost entirely by bike (at least until i can save up for a scooter).  I tried riding to the shops about 1/2 way between downtown and my house and I was worried they though I was shoplifting as I was visibly sweating in air conditioning. Then again, I always think they suspect me of shoplifting.
Commenters, I need all your big guns. I need all of your tips in one place. I know that there have been a few articles by Lesley and Alison that address this and I am sure that there are a few threads that may have info too, but I have about a week to find a job, not a whole lot of cash and I have some special circumstances that need to be addressed.  Also, I think that that the Gold Bond powder spray that Shaq sells has come out since the last post. Does that stuff work? I need to worry about my face, my hair, and my whole body. I am more concerned with dryness that I am with any pit stains, etc. Why did I get myself into this? I am also on the round side, so I have the fat thing working against me too. I can handle being the fat lady, but the fat lady with the sweaty face, not so much.
1. The majority of jobs here are face to face, high end customer service. Not only I do I need to not be sweaty, I should probably step up my cosmetics game. I am thinking concealer and foundation, but something that won't come off. I sweat the most from my face. Oh, and I have really sensitive skin too so I need something gentle. I'm a peach, aren't I?  
2. Wine country. As in, they don't want you wearing any scents that would interfere with your tasting, so I can't load up on perfume-y stuff. They specifically list on some applications not to wear anything with an odor. Deodorant is okay but anything else with a strong smell is probably out.
3.  I am going to have to wear nice clothes on a bike. I'm not sure how this works. I am assuming I put everything in a backpack, show up early and pull a Superman in the bathroom. Does anyone else do this? I am thinking since I will be changing, this would also be a good time to give myself a once over with a baby wipe, but then I will smell like baby ass. Are there any wipes that don't smell like baby ass? What do the giant wipes that they sell for camping trips smell like? And aren't they crazy expensive?
4. Bike helmet hair. Is there a dry shampoo that doesn't turn your hair gray? Not the actual powder, I've noticed that I get more actual gray hairs every time I use dry shampoo, but all of the ones that I have used have been from major manufacturers, I'm thinking it's the chemicals.
5. I know that everyone will just suggest that I show up drunk and therefore not worry about the sweating. Unfortunately everyone here is trained to spot drunks the first day, so I don't think that would work. Also, I'm pretty unsteady on the bike as it is.
I know that all of you have the answers to all of this. Should i just start carrying fancy hankies to mop my brow? Please help me not to be the creepy fat sweaty lady that no one wants to hire!
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