I knew something was wrong, so I kept pushing for an answer.
Do you love to compulsively exercise in a fruitless and never-ceasing attempt to stave off your body's natural aging process, but hate how your withered, childlike body causes your face to look like a skeletal mask of death?
Sometimes, when you're having a morning jog, you feel like you're being chased, perpetually chased by the grim reality of your own mortality, which is constantly nipping at your heels and edging you forward, one unwanted furrow and crease at a time?
Don't worry, there's a procedure for that! In a repackaging of the classic "ass vs. your face" debate, Dr. Brian S. Glatt presents: "Runner's Face," a brand new thing to hate about yourself. I'll let Dr. Glatt take it from here:
DO YOU HAVE “RUNNER’S FACE?” RUNNER’S BEWARE: DOES CROSSING THE FINISH LINE ACCELERATE YOUR FACE LINES? Runner’s Face. And no, I am not referring to the aggressive face an athlete makes prior to crossing that finish line. Runner’s face generally occurs in both men and women ages 40+ who exercise to improve their body, and in doing so end up with a skeletal and bony face...
Though you may look like a 20-year-old from the neck down—your face will easily give away your age. If your skin has taken a beating from pounding the pavement, there are ways to chase those wrinkles away....
For Runner’s Face, Dr. Glatt’s recommendation FOR FILLING IS Juvederm Ultra, which can restore volume to chin, cheeks, and cheekbones that become hollow or thin due to weight loss or age-related facial fat loss..."Fat grafting would be the best option for natural, long-lasting restoration restoration of volume loss in this group of patients, but unfortunately in this group of patients there is typically very little to no fat in other areas to take from."
BWAHAHAH! They can't fix your face because your body is TOO delightfully free of FAT. Can't you steal some from your chubby cousin or something?
I also love the idea of "ruining" your face, like it's a pair of seude shoes or something. "I wore my face out in the rain and now it's RUINED!!!" Can you return a ruined face? What if you can prove it was ruined when you got it?
It just goes to show that no matter how strictly you adhere to society's laws about what our bodies should look like, there's always going to be something else to feel bad about. I'm just glad an aggressive regimen of TV-watching and Dorito-eating has thus far only been shown to create "Happy Face."