What is a time of joy for many women was my darkest hour.
Disclaimer: I don't know why I am this way. I don't feel good about it.
OK. So. I have this THING on my ass. I first noticed it a few days ago, at which point I actually called someone else in to the bathroom to look at it.
"Is this just like... a giant ass zit?" I asked, butt cheek lifted and skin stretched taut between my fingers.
"Yeah, it's just a zit," she replied flippantly.
But it doesn't look like just a zit. It looks more like several zits clumped together and then covered with a hard crust. It looks a little like a nipple, a comparison several people made when I posted a photo of the thing on Instagram. (See disclaimer.)
People were pretty grossed out. Even Julieanne Smolinski wrote, "I AM VERY ANGRY WITH YOU FOR POSTING THIS." I think she means it. But a few people were actually very helpful, pointing out that my ass zit looks more like a boil. BOIL! What a disgusting name for something disgusting. Here's what a boil is, in case you're not a creepy old witch like me:
"A boil is a skin infection that starts in a hair follicle or oil gland. At first, the skin turns red in the area of the infection, and a tender lump develops. After four to seven days, the lump starts turning white as pus collects under the skin."
So, my boil doesn't hurt or anything, it just alienates my friends and keeps me from being able to participate in sexual activity ever again. The Internet says to use warm water compresses to help draw disgusting boil stuff out of the boil, and that seems to be helping. But it's looking like a long road back to an India-Jewel-level ass from here.
I'm honestly nostalgic for the days when all I had to worry about was a smattering of assne and the realization that my b-hole actually looks like that.
And look, I know you guys aren't doctors, but some of you are probably doctors. So any advice on this thing? JK, I'll go see a doctor in person if it doesn't clear up on its own soon.
But seriously, any advice on this thing? What's the grossest thing you've ever had on your ass? Is there a word grosser than boil? Don't say "moist." Everyone needs to get over "moist."