7 Things I Need Before I FINALLY Start Working Out

Uh, tomorrow. I've got things to do today.
Publish date:
June 9, 2011
gym, exercise

HEY-OOOO. WELL. Apart from walking everywhere as I do, I have not exercised in two full years. Meaning done an exercise PROGRAM, and by program I mean working out at least three times a week, on purpose, wearing workout clothes and actual sneakers. Free weights are involved, and so is a gym membership or a regularly unfurled yoga mat.My mom canceled my gym membership, well, two years ago, because she'd been paying it and then SUDDENLY my way-adult parents were divorcing and all confessional and things, and one of the things they confessed is that they didn't want to pay for me to be happy anymore.The gym makes me happy, you see. And tomorrow is the day that I rejoin. Why not today? Well, I've got about a million little things to do to prepare. Yes, I get to procrastinate another day, but honestly you do have to do a little work.1) MUSIC AND HEADPHONES THAT WORK Durrr. I use an old iPod shuffle. What are you listening to these days? I didn't get that into the new Gaga or anything, pop music-wise, yet. Just like the afterhours janitor at xoJane.com HQ, I still love Britney and Rhianna's "S & M" sooo much. There's just not room in my life for another pop song.2) SNEAKERS. ANY SNEAKERS.Yo, you KNOW it has been forever since you worked out when you live in a studio apartment and CANNOT FIND TWO MATCHING SNEAKERS. And I'm not even talking about my authentically athletic old Nike Air Maxes! No, I settled for a busted old pair of black leather Chucks. You don't RUN that much on Workout Day One -- tomorrow! -- at least in MY plan, so who cares.3) STUPID PANTSIs every pair of exercise-y pants I own incredibly stupid? Lord God YES! YO, who did I think I WAS eight years ago with all this "JUICY" on the ass nonsense? OmiGAWWWD. But since they're the first ones I found, the Juicys are in the pot. I'll turn those bitches inside out.4) BIG CHEAP PACKAGE OF WHITE SOCKSYo, if I had a dollar for every time I was late for an exercise class back in the day because I was looking for socks, socks, ANY socks! When you don't work out all the time you wear half as many socks! So I like to get a big cheap pack of these white little bad boys. They all match each other; easy.4) SPORTS BRA THAT MAKES YOU LOOK ODDLY TONEDWhat is it with sports bras that make your body look automatically a little better when you slap it on -- like you might have upper ab definition and have been doing crest presses and things on the downlow? This is a miracle! My fave sports bra right now is LAVENDER, which makes me look extra TAN while I (sort of) sweat. Hooray!5) STACK OF YOUR FAVORITE TERRIBLE TANK TOPSYou know -- the ones you never ever throw away, because they'll be "good to work out in"! Though of sentimental value to you, they are often almost undefendable in The Real World. My stack includes candy-colored college dorm tanks that are totally show-offy in the chest area, plus at least nine lopsided, too-wide, and terribly hacked-up vintage rock tanks that used to be very nice rock T-shirts. Arg; hate myself.6) WATER BOTTLE (DOESN'T HAVE TO BE SWANKY)I hate the swanky water bottle trend! The lids on those screw-top "allegedly eco" bottles never go back on right, so every time I try to save the f*#king planet I wind up flooding and ruining a Balenciaga bag and a Blackberry that will be replaced with a refurbished one that's 10 times as wonky and full of pictures of previous owners being creepy at an Outback Steakhouse. Trust me. I like a Poland Springs with a squeezy top! $1.50 at the deli where this gay Korean dud named Kevin pretends he's hetero for me. Yeah, it gets weird.7) YOUR "SEXY BOOK"This is the book (one of many this summer) that you're going to read at night to stay motivated. I considered the ADHD-expert psychiatrist Dr. John Ratey's bestselling "Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain" -- but then I was all, PEACE, this book has no hot sluts in it and I will NEVER read it and want to exercise, ever! So instead I went with a vintage classic: "DYING TO BE HEALTHY," by the Barbi Twins. I'll let you know how I'm liking it as we get in gear!

OK, what did I miss? Anyone else planning to work out this summer? And are you IN OR ARE YOU IN OR ARE YOU IN?!?! Ooh, I'm a little amped! SPEAK.