What is a time of joy for many women was my darkest hour.
Guys, apparently there's an Occupy Wall Street-themed condom now. And it's on sale! A 30-pack for $12, so that even the 99 percent can afford to wrap their junk! But I digress. The point is, Occupy Wall Street condom. This a thing that exists. A GENIUS thing.
Condomania, the New York store that's selling the OWS rubbers, says it's trying to show support for the movement. Call it prophylactivism. But I think it's also a brilliant way to make safer sex go... well, you know, viral. But viral in the safe way.
Seriously, what if condoms were like Ben & Jerry's flavors? First of all, there would still be a Schweddy Balls. Second, limited-edition contraceptives could pay tribute to pop culture, social concerns, Twitter hashtags, or whatever else the sexytimes demographic has on its mind -- and if people were buying them for the cultural value, they'd always have one around when they actually needed it.
I've made up some concept art! LET'S DO THIS.
1. Feminist Ryan Gosling condom
Hey girl. I applaud your self-actualization in taking care of your health, but I also recognize that I have a role in supporting your reproductive choices. And that's why I'm going to wear this condom with my handsome mug on the wrapper. Also there's a scorpion on it (not pictured).
2. One Dozen Sleeping Baby Pandas oral contraceptives
The worst part about the Pill is remembering to take it every day. (The best part is what it can do to your skin. No, wait, the best part is not getting pregnant when you don't want to, but the skin is a close second.) Sure, you make it part of your routine, but we've all come home drunk and fallen asleep with our shoes on, and where's your routine then? Now think how much easier it would be to remember your meds if they looked like this.
3. Slutwalk IUD
Look, just because you've ensured that you can't get pregnant for the foreseeable future doesn't mean you're asking for it. This IUD comes with a sex-positive anti-rape message, but NOT with a racist slur, because Jesus, that is horrifying.
4. Arrested Development Movie Buzz chastity shorts
If all else fails, get him to bag it WAY up. If he doesn't like it, he can blue himself. Wait, that joke doesn't work in the future subjunctive tense.
What did I miss? The Diaphr-Hamm? The Burning Man Warming Spermicidal Lube? Let me know in comments.