Obsessed With: Venereal Disease Stuffed Animals

Embrace your STDs, literally.
Publish date:
June 13, 2011
stds, HPV, stuffed animals. obsessed with, Sex,

I was reading Emily's post on HPV , right? And she sounded a little sad about the whole thing, especially at the end. So being a hugely empathetic person -- a humanitarian of sorts -- my first thought when I finished reading was, What can I do to make her feel better that won't cost any money?

I thought. I should do my own post about those weird plush STD-thingies I found that time on the Internet!

(No, STDs are technically not "animals" as my headline says -- but then again, I'm not technically "a journalist.")

The company is called Giant Microbes, and we can only assume that it was founded by some seriously next-level sluts. NO, I don't know anything about the founders. There are non-sexual disease-toys, too: The Common Cold. Bird Flu. Rabies. Even The Black Death! In short, all great gifts for those Fantine-from-Les Miserables-types in your life always shivering theatrically alone in their Parisian deathbeds, with bad short haircuts that they gave themselves to have something to sell to mobs of greedy prostitutes.

Or a great gift for Emily! Or for ME. An OB-GYN told me two years ago that HPV had left my body, but trust, surely by now it is back. With this toy, I'll embrace (literally, at night, by myself) HPV, just like I embrace my senile granddad who doesn't remember a granddaughter but rarely forgets how much he likes young blondes. Yup, it gets weird.

The stuffed STDs available are:

HPV, or the Human Papillomavirus:

This cute little guy, Herpes Simplex 2:

Our friend Chlamydia:

The Clap! That's slang for Gonorrhea:

And finally The Pox, which is what they're calling Syphilis:

Yes, they even come in their own petri dishes. Prices range from $8 to, like, $30. Sooo cute, right? Oh, come on; they're funny! (FACT: I left out HIV.)

And oh, uh, the health lesson of the day: Use condoms. I mean, try to at least.