What is a time of joy for many women was my darkest hour.
You may or may not have noticed that I have boobs. I like them. They are probably my favorite part of my body. I have pretty much zero complaints about my boobs. The only thing I can fault them for is sweating when it’s hot. Or sweating when it’s not hot. Just sweating. I’m not a fan of sweating, but it’s an unfortunate truth that we as humans are forced to live with.
Living in Florida, I’m forced to live with it more than most. Luckily, boob deodorant is now something you can acquire.
"Why not use regular deodorant on your breasts?" you ask. Because while I'm not entirely convinced regular deodorant causes breast cancer, I'm not entirely sure that it doesn't, and I don't gamble with these babies. Neither of these products contain aluminum or parabens, so if those things concern you, don't worry your pretty little boobs.
I was lucky enough to try out two different brands, courtesy of Fresh Body and Boobalicious. Fresh Body was kind enough to not only send me Fresh Breasts, but also Fresh Balls. I may not have testicles, but I know a few people who do.
My husband refused to participate, mumbling something about “not wanting everyone to be thinking about his balls.” Joke's on him though because now everyone who reads this will be thinking about his balls.
Lucky for Sean, Tynan volunteered as tribute.
Funny thing though, when I tried to follow up with Tynan regarding the slathering of his balls with this anti-chafing product he responded with an ellipsis. I was like “Don’t act like you’re above this” and peer-pressured him into giving me his mailing address. By noon I had sent him his very own tube of Fresh Balls, along with a homemade marshmallow.
For those of you who think Fresh Balls isn’t applicable to your life, I implore you to recall a sweaty ball sack. Not pleasant are they? Wouldn’t you like a product to make the ball sacks in your life less sweaty?
We’ll talk about Tynan’s balls later, but first we'll address my boobs. Age before beauty, and all.
The lady who runs this operation is super cute and super nice. She sent me a shirt!
Her products come in a variety of scents (including unscented) and I had my pick! I requested “Crazy Coconuts” because I love boob puns but also because I love actual coconuts. Look how cute this deodorant stick is. Look at the little flower sticker. I know you’re looking at it, but do you SEE IT? Not only is it cute, but it smells delicious! “Crazy Coconuts” smells like a piña colada, but not overly sweet.
The application is pretty simple: rub it on and around your beautiful boobs. It feels like a soothing balm. Usually, by the end of the day, my 36Ds have red marks underneath them. (From the underwire, I guess?) I noticed a definite decrease in these marks on the days I used Boobilicious as well as little to no perspiration. The only criticism I have for it is that the push-pop style applicator can be a little bit awkward; you have to push and hold the stick up while applying.
This, my friends, is a superb anti-chafing product. It's a cream that dries into a silky powder. It felt cool going on and kept my underboob dry all day. It's also unscented, so it won't compete with your fragrance.
Not only is this great for your boobs, you can also use it on your inner-thighs to prevent the dreaded chub rub. I know a lot of people use Body Glide, but I personally hate Body Glide as it’s sticky and I really don’t like feeling sticky. Also, it seems pretty pointless because isn't it supposed to prevent your thighs from sticking together? Aren't they supposed to gliiiiiiide by each other? They can’t glide if they’re sticking.
I had been using Lush’s Silky Underwear, which is basically heavenly-scented cornstarch, but it would wear off after half an hour or so of activity. The active ingredient in Fresh Breasts is tapioca starch, but the cream formulation keeps it on your skin. I was able to go several hours without reapplying.
IMPORTANT HEED TO TAKE: Wash your hands after applying, as Fresh Breasts does leave a white film. This is also a slight drawback when you use the product on your boobs; if your cleavage is out the residue may be visible.
That wraps up the boob portion of our program but don't worry, we still have balls to discuss. For that, we turn to this adorable man.
Claire, you realize that this is doing nothing for my personal brand, right? But I couldn’t say no to trying out this product, especially for you.
Fresh Balls promises to “prevent wetness and the uncomfortable feeling of being sweaty and sticky, as well as chafing in the groin and other problem areas, without the powdery mess.”
I am squirming.
Let me just say that I am not a sweaty, gross boy and it’s not like I’m out here running marathons in sweltering weather. But I do have balls. I chose to apply Fresh Balls before a long night of bar tending. I knew I’d be running around in tight pants all night behind a hot bar, which is basically a marathon all its own.
Fresh Balls is one of those magical products that goes on as a cream but feels like a powder, with virtually no moisture. I applied it…liberally…because, why not. At the end of the night, I was dry and nothing was funky and this is so gross.
The tube says that it dries as a cooling powder BUT, UM, the minute it made contact, I kind of felt a slight burning, which is why I tweeted you:
Turns out, it was just a slight tingle that alarmed me because, you know, it was on my balls.
It does what it says, keeping everything dry. Would I recommend this product? Yes. If not for the sake of men, then for the women who love them.
What do you think of these products? Are you excited? Perturbed? Wasn't Tynan so brave? Let us know in the comments.